I decided to remind myself of the futility of life. So I've just spent an hour trying to sort out my finances. And dealing with banks. One bank wanted to give me a new pin - in order to close my account. Another has told me I need to visit a branch in person with photo ID in order to close an account with the grand total of £20 in it!! I promise myself I'm not going to get grumpy with the person on the other end of the phone but after repeating my name and address and PIN and my mother's cousin's sister's place of birth I got a tiny bit pissed off. Maybe it's a secret conspiracy to drive people to the brink of a nervous breakdown, go into hiding and then attain some kind of Zen wisom. I would like to think so, but I guess it isn't.Unintelligent Finance, more like.

Gordon Brown, as part of his pre-election campaigning, announced yesterday his top three priorities for the country were "keeping on the road to recovery, keeping on the road to recovery and keeping on the road to recovery". "Bugger", he adds quietly to Alastair Darling, " which f'ing way is it?".

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In a web exclusive, a local Government official has revealed a new tool in their armoury of powers to help them crack down on the UK tax payer. The airborne CCTV device, conceived by Gordon Brown while still Chancellor, is currently being trialled by a number of London Boroughs to verify council tax bandings, to check up on recycling "errors" and to observe spending behaviours. Shareholders take note, the camera, which will be able to record your home through your windows, may spark an increase in the sale of net curtains. The official commented "if you have nothing to hide then you have nothing to fear".

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So much for Virgin superfast broadband! I've clocked mine at 192Kb. Superfast my arse!

Gordon Brown tries out a new technique....

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I use Linkedin, but I must say I find the "People you may know" section quite ridiculous. When I log in it seems to assume I am likely to know other people only on the basis we have the same name.

Well here we all are, week 3 into the big freeze. Here in Ireland it would be unusual for this level of winter weather firstly to occur, and then to remain for as long as it is.

One consequence of the weather is the amount of people in A&E departments with broken wrists, legs, hips etc, indeed my own mother-in-law (80) broke her wrist, we attended outpatients and I asked if there was much point in keeping her alive,and would it not be more humane to "put her down" but lamently they said NO.

More seriously I had to travel to Galway last Monday, and since I'm not allowed to drive, I had to take the bus. Whilst waiting for the bus at 8.30am in -6C the train service to Dublin stopped leaving 200 people without transport to Dublin, I couldn't believe the number of ladies still in high heels, the pavements are pure ice, and some of these people insist on waddling around in 2 to 4 inch high heels and then when they slip and fall, there are like baby Giraffes trying to find their feet just after being born. Wouldn't it be sensible to wear appropriate footwear and carry the shoes in back-pack? or am I underestimating the importance of high heels.

Then of course frozen pipes, the house we have in Galway sprung a leak, and I along with a friend of mine need to go there this evening and clear it out really annoying shit. €240 for a skip, €80 for a hotel all because of this feckin freezing weather.

Who said snow and ice is fun....

Anyway, take care, and stay warm

CYCLISTS SHOULD NOT BE CYCLING IN THIS WEATHER. YE ARE ALL SILLY SODS.

 

The noughties is almost synonymous with an age of evil. We had 9/11, the invasion of Iraq, Enron, Robbie Williams, the credit crunch, the expenses scandal, the terrorist attack in Mumbai, the Asian tsunami, Gordon Brown, 7/7, the banking crisis, Big Brother, superbugs, Swine Flu, shooting rampages at Virgina Tech, Land Rovers ..... the world is quite different, and I am not sure where I would start with my list of all the really annoying shit of the decade, but a new one begins, and (tongue in cheek) we're still making great television. Have a Happy new year, and love the world.

"Precious, precious, precious!" Blair cried. "My Precious! O my Precious!" And with that, even as his eyes were lifted up to gloat on his prize, he stepped too far, toppled, wavered for a moment on the brink, and then with a shriek he fell. Out of the depths came his last wail Precious, and he was gone.

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Gordon Brown receives his greeting card proofs back from the publisher

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Leona Lewis is punched in the head by a fellow contestant from the 2008 X Factor auditions.

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The [Nobel] prize was invented by the Swedish industrialist and inventor of dynamite Alfred Nobel, and was first awarded in 1901. There were a record 205 nominations for this year's peace prize. Zimbabwean Prime Minister Morgan Tsvangirai and Chinese dissident Hu Jia had been among the favourites.

Instead the committee chose Mr Obama, who was inaugurated less than two weeks before the 1 February nomination deadline.

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David Cameron faces a naked heckler at the Conservative party conference in Manchester during the week.

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"Mighty warriors with mighty swords, shiny helmets and shield bosses
We sail over the crimosn sea seeking plunder in Angle land.."

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In a morning swoop by armed response officers a pensioner has been taken into custondy after putting her wheelie bin out on the wrong day. The offence normally carries a fixed penalty fine, however, a spokesperson for the local council was quoted to say "We have a zero tolerance policy. We will continue to be tough on crime."

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The Deputy Leader finds a new way to travel following allegations she failed to stop at the scene of a traffic accident. Witnesses allege she lowered her window, shouting "I'm Harriet Harman" as she fled the scene.

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David Miliband, the Foreign Secretary, takes a cheeky dip in the sea at Brighton beach following the end of the party conference on Friday.

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Amid growing speculation of his using prescription drugs, Gordon Brown instead reveals his new eye patch.

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A next generation speed camera is being trialled in Wiltshire. The model retains its trademark shape and coloring but is fitted with an intelligent computer chip and is part of a single robotic unit. The computer learns from statistical data and will move locations until revenue from fines hits or exceeds government targets.

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More prototype Surveillance Droids are spotted in Central London following Gordon Brown's announcement in Brighton last week.

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Yvette Cooper, Secretary of State for Work and Pensions, pictured enjoying a tipple as she celebrates payment of her latest expense claim.

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As the votes are counted in Ireland, Tony Blair is fitted for his new office of EU President.

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Ermm, Gordon, I think this might be too close to the bone.

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Gordon Brown unveils the TAX-U-01 surveillance droid at the annual Labour Party conference in Brighton. This new mobile unit is already in production in Yunnan Province, China. It is to be deployed before the end of the year to trial in Guildford, Surrey. The Star Wars like device is preprogrammed with profiling software to select and follow you, automatically relaying data back to a centralised computer where fines can be issued. It is anticipated the droid will also be used by local councils to confirm property tax bandings and to monitor household recycling.

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An ancient human-like creature that may be a direct ancestor to our species has been described by researchers.

The assessment of the 4.4-million-year-old animal called Gordon Ardipithecus Ramidus Brown is reported in the journal Science.

Even if it is not on the direct line to us, it offers new insights into how we evolved from the common ancestor we share with chimps, the team says.

Fossils of G. Ramidus Brown were first found in Parliament in 1983, but it has taken 26 years to assess their significance.

One of the lead scientists on the project, Professor Tim White from the University of California, Berkeley, said the investigation had been painstaking.

"It took us many, many years to clean the bones in Westminister and then set about to restore this skeleton to its original dimensions and form; and then study it and compare it with all the other fossils that are known from Government and elsewhere, as well as with the modern age," he told the journal.

"This is not an ordinary fossil. It's not a chimp. It's not a human. It shows us what we used to be."

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