• A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
  tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket andhe opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without blinking an eyelid she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

• A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of
  Sainsbury's store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
  She asked a passing assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" Theassistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."

• The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for
  speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the bobby said. The kid replied, "Yes, well I got here as fast as Icould." When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid onhis way without a ticket.

• A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up thatread " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles.Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car andwalked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver,
  "Got stuck, eh?"
  The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
  petrol!"

• A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. "Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
  The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Go on have a laugh........