Blog DOB: 10 Sep, 2006
Name: Paul O Mahoney
This is my therapy. This is where I can and do dump all the really annoying s##t that I have to put up with on a daily basis, and it feels good to get rid of it.
I was just watching BBC24 News and I couldnt believe what was being headlined. Apparently due to the investigation into the death of Alexander Litvinenko its has been discovered that there was traces of radiation found on three BA planes.
Was'nt it last August that the entire British Airport system came to a halt due to intelligence indicated that there was a plot to carry explosives aboard an airplane. To that end the British Government insisted that fluids could not be carried as hand luggage, yet only a couple of months later radiation traces have been discovered on airplanes. Irrespective of the amount, does it not question what airport security are actually doing?. You cannot carry aboard your "Vidal Sasson" but radiation is ok.
Micheal O Leary of Ryanair will be rubbing his hands with this one.
You will be familiar with the scene, you are leaving the house and after spending fifteen minutes rounding up your children and strapping them into the backseat of the car you call to your wife to hurry up as you know that if we d'ont move now we'll get stuck in traffic. Finally everyone is in the car and you go to look for the car keys you look in the usual places but to no avail. You rush out to the car to see if the keys are there, they are not, you shout at the children demanding that they tell you where the keys are, your wife shouts at you for shouting at the children and tells you to calm down and stop acting like a irrational child.
Its at this point that she will ask" Are they not where you left them?" you turn away muttering to yourself "that if they were where I left them I would have found them by now". You return to the house leaping from place to place, lifting,no throwing things up in the air to see if they are underneath. Your wife enters the house to "help" insisting that you "calm down and look properly". Well lads here is the good news we are looking for them properly and its now been proven by science.
The behaviour outlined above is perfectly natural and has its origins can be traced back to the hunter,gatherer phase of our evolution. Apparently scientific research has now uncovered that we did not search for game or fruit in a systematic way but we leapt from place to place looking.The scientific community names this as "Levy flights" after the French mathematican Paul Levy who first described it.
It is claimed that Levy flights minimise energy expenditure,but maximises the discovery of resources. So the next time you are told to "look properly" turn and say "I am looking properly and science has proved it".
As men we have been waiting for this day when science has vindicated our irrational response to the petty irritations of life. We must now press on and lobby the scientific community to find scientific basis for other habits like staying in the pub all night, forgetting birthdays and anniversaries, being unable to share our feelings and never having the ability to stick together a flat pack piece of furniture.
Good science has begun it journey all we can do is to pray that it will help us to emulate Homer J Simpson.
On Friday night the late movie on Irish TV was the classic 1987 "Wall Street" directed by Oliver Stone, starring Micheal Douglas as Gekko and a very young Charlie Sheen as his understudy Bud Fox. No matter how many times I have seen this movie it still is brilliant and I feel its time for a sequel. If you recall Gekko was arrested by "Stockwatch" or SEC for insider dealing. The usual time that you would get for this would be about 10 years based upon the time served by real life inside traders such as Ivan Boesky and Mike Milken. This would mean that Gordon is out there somewhere sitting on his millions.
Would,nt it be nice to see how he is getting on in the post Enron era, what would be his view on the explostion of multi billion dollar companies that are only on the internet?.How would he have dealt with the reporting requirements that Sarbanes Oxley has imposed on companies?. How would he compare with Donald Trump, Jack Welsh, or Sir Alan Sugar?.How would he deal with the HMRC?. Does he still believe that "greed is good"or has he had a road to Damascus experience?
Most successful movies have had sequels and indeed a fair number of unsuccessful movies have had sequels. So Oliver please get the process in gear and bring back Gekko.
Thankfully its over, it will be remembered by those who suffered watching it as the worst business programme ever screened. When I originally blogged in October I felt that perhaps they would improve they did'nt they actually got worse, Di Stewart take a bow, its rare that something so bad could be made worse but you pulled it off with aplomb.
The format for last nights show was a quick review of the invention and the inventor would give a 30 second pitch to convince the watching public to vote for them. A 30 second pitch the same time you have to make a word from 9 letters on C4's "Countdown". Like most of the inventions the pitches were rubbish, unprofessional and perfect for car crash TV.
To be a little nice I will list the finalists and the inventions as it will be the last time anybody will refer to them or their inventions. The list is in no particular order as I could'nt be arsed remembering them as they appeared on the show.
1 Ian Davies inventor of Bandi ( a paper thing that helps people to pull plugs from sockets, you will still need to use your hands).
2 John Watling inventor of Kattnapper (fold away cat box, unfortunately not big enough to hold a badger).
3 Andrew Hubert von Staufer inventor of Skirider ( I liked this, has potentional, and the inventors name sounds like an inventor's name, but I still think I saw something similar on BBC's "Dragons Den").
4 Julian Peck inventor of Cyclaire ( bicycle pump, I thought we had these already).
5 Des Morley inventor of Flexirest ( flexible extention for your cue, I did see a homemade sign in the audience saying "Flexi is Sexi", so it may have other uses)
6 Phil Green inventor of Plaster Socket Template ( what can I say, very useful for electricians who are blind)
7 Paul Sheedy inventor of Spinning Straw ( this was the wildcard entry and he could'nt win the second time around, wonder if he regrets selling his house).
The Winner was the bicycle pump, £100,000 for inventing a bicycle pump, well done, then again what would you expect when the success or otherwise depended initially on a studio audience and for the finale, a phone in. Richard Bacon did say that it would take five minutes to count the votes, not quiet X- Factor interest. Vodafone will also provide free mobile communications for a year for the winner, I have a feeling that vodafone wo'nt need to make any special provisions on its accounts for this potential liability.
In addition to the main prize there was a £5000 or a 5% share of future profits for a member of the audience if they predicted the correct outcome. A lad by the name of Kevin won this, here is my advice to Kevin take the money and run quickly you will never make £5k as easy.
As Christmas is coming I have asked Santa to ensure that there is not a repeat of this programme next year.
As for the mentors, well I can only assume that Craig Johnston and Karan Bilimoria will contacting their legal people to ensure that all traces of this programme are destroyed, and I dare say finding the agent that sold them the idea and suing said same agent for attempted character assassination.
Ruth Badger will be running around the place punching the air with glee with all the exposure she has recieved.
Word to the wise Ruth try talking as opposed to shouting,and stop pointing at people, its rude,and its particularily rude when its done as if you are standing in a football ground on a Saturday afternoon, clients usually expect professionalism when they employ consultants.Finally go easy on the red wine as the "splash proof keyboard" is'nt in production yet.
Finally Dick Strawbridge just go away.
Over the last while I have noticed the increasing number of employment contracts that include clauses that more or less say that if you create,invent or improve something while you are employed by a company, its the company who is owns that item.Not you.
This point is bourne out by the fact that Mattel(www.Mattel.com) owner of the "iconic plastic blonde bombshell" Barbie (47, and looking good) is suing the lady and former employee of Mattel,who conceived the Bratz range of girls dolls, since they argue that the Bratz were conceived by Carter Bryant while she was employed as a Barbie designer, and therefore Bratz are the property of Mattel. Needless to say it has become a legal battle, (probably with Ken as chief prosecutor).
Is,nt it good that the search for innovation and new products is being wholeheartly supported by big business. It should be noted that the participants of Sky One's "The Big Idea" need not worry about being sued by former employers as most of the junk featured will never make it to commercial levels anyway.
I read in The Observer on Sunday that the average toilet in the home is cleaner than the fridge due to the fact that the fridge is rarely cleaned. Add to this that the toilet seat is cleaner than the chopping board(TV Ad) why do we need fridges and chopping boards at all?
You should from now on prepare and store all food in the toilet and to save time and effort when entertaining friends you should hold the dinner parties in the loo. Wine can be chilled in the cistern and fresh water is only a pull away.
As we all know the Irish Economic Miracle has been with us for over a decade now and during that time there has always being those economists that do nothing but predict the end, and I suppose if you say something often enough you will right at some stage. Anyhow David Mc Williams is one of these economists that has been saying that we have an over reliance on the property element in the economy and an additional reliance on the number of U.S. Multinationals that operate here. Some of his points are valid and others I feel are open to analysis which I am not going to do here, yes I can hear the sigh of relief over the internet.
Mc Williams wrote a book entitled" The Popes Children" where he analyses the lives of those of us who can remember the visit of Pope John Paul II in 1979. From that book RTE allowed him make and air a programme "In Search of the Popes Children" this is what I was watching last night.
He talks about the cost of houses, the debt burden we all have, the fact that we commute vast distances to work etc. He does concede that we are wealthier and we do have a better standard of life that we did in the 1980's and start of the 1990's.As part of any social documentary there must be interviews with the new Irish and there was, there was a young lady who thought nothing of spending €1000 on a handbag so that when she was out dancing at the weekend her friends and herself will not only have something to dance around but will it will look good on the floor in a sea of stale beer. There was people who bought expensive watches and drove BMWs X5's to school everyday so everyone is happy.
There was a piece in the show where there was a group of thirtysomethings sitting on a deck in surburban Ireland sipping wine, dressed in the latest designer clothes chatting, meanwhile "DIY Derek" was manning the BBQ while his guests exchanged price tags on the newest item they were wearing. The wine looked at the drinkable level and the patio furniture was decked out with plates with the obligatory patio heater, very nice. I got the impression that "DIY Derek" was cooking something special as the ambience was perfect. What was "DIY Derek" cooking? that right, HAMBURGERS and SAUSAGES feckin HAMBURGERS and SAUSAGES. So all this new wealth has allowed us to invite all our friends to call over and rather than go to the local chipper we buy a €5000 BBQ and cook HAMBURGERS and SAUSAGES to be eaten with designer clothes and expensive wine. They call it the "Celtic Tiger" I feel the "Irish Pussy" may be more apt.
Just finished the weekly shop and rather than blog about the normal stuff that really annoys me like parking,trollies that won't go where they should, shelf packers clogging up the isles or the shop simply not having what you need to see you through the week, I have something else that not only annoys me but it asks questions about supermarkets and the hygiene policies that they have in place.
Over the last number of years supermarkets have introduced salad bars where you fill up a plastic container and you the customer gets the impression that its fresh and wholesome. What I witnessed today might change your mind, when I was passing the salad bar there was a person filling the plastic container with coleslaw during this that person sneezed without putting a hand over the mouth or face thereby transferring a considerable amount of ? all over the salad bar.
I really cant say anymore on this as I beginning to feel nauseous .
When I originally began to pen this blog it was essentially about cooking and the difference between the cooking programmes and the reality of cooking at home. I am sorry to say that there has been a sinister twist that quiet frankly upset me, I will deal with this later.
As we all know there is no television channel out there that does'nt have a cooking programme, be it "The F Word" with Gordon Ramsey or Ready Steady Cook. I like to cook and occasionally watch these programmes to get different ideas to try and vary meal time. Whilst watching I have noticed something that really annoys me, its the chefs ability to find everything that they are looking for. You never see Jamie Oliver, Gordon Ramsey or other celebrity chefs rattling around in a drawer looking for a knife,tin opener or any other kitchen utensil, its always to hand.
Additionally have you ever noticed just how clean everything is when they are finished, there is no mess. When I cook I leave a trail of food debris across the floor and worktop. When the food is cooking it usually takes me as long again to clean up, you never see this on the television.You never see them trying to prepare food with a 5 year old running around the kitchen with blood streaming down his face or your 7 year old practising the tin whistle in the backround.
Come on lads add a bit of reality, make a mess, allow us to see the mountain of pots and dishes in the backround, curse a bit when you can't find the pasta maker make it real.
Now for the sinister bit, as you all know I have waged a one man crusade against Mr Chris deBurgh not because he is a bad person but because we must protect our children from the music, and I think he is weird. I sat down a half an hour ago and put on Ready Steady Cook to see if there was anything new that I could learn.
They had Ronan (my voice will annoy the saints in heaven) Keating as a guest and Chris ( I am making a comeback whether you like or not, and I have healing hands)de Burgh as guests. Will my torment never stop? not only do I have to put up the perfection I must now endure two of the most cheesey, smarmy, feckers to walk this planet. Why could they not have asked deBurgh to put his healing hands over Keating's fish and bring it back to life, that would have been worth watching.
I wonder if you can apply for compensation or a reduction in the TV Licence for watching this?
Well its the morning after the night before and its no surprise to all of us who live outside America, George Bush was "Plenty Ass Kicked" by the Democrats in the Congressional Elections.
For Heavens sake what would you expect from a man who insists that the war in Iraq is proceeding as planned, he tells the world that the troops are "plenty smart" and "plenty brave".
We only have two years and this "plenty idiot" will dissappear into the mist of history.