Before I begin I would like to wish all of you a Happy Christmas, now on with the reallyannoyings##t.

Christmas Day(Early).

Santa has hopefully arrived, and you together with your children tiptoe down the stairs at 7am, I will repeat that , 7am, to ensure that he has arrived and left, but more importantly has left the toys that they asked for and not the "bag of coal" that Mammy and Daddy kept saying that they would get if they did'nt stop mis-behaving over the last long dark 8 weeks.

We turn the handle on the door, my little girl is so worried/excited that she grabs my hand and squeez'es harder than I can ever remember, my little boy, a warrior 364 days a year is reduced to a hapless little boy with a qivering lip,but with eyes that tell's you that if it is a "bag of coal" war will ensue.We proceed into the lounge where the fact that there are 2 half eaten mince pies, a missing carrot,and a half glass, of by now sour milk, are next to the fireplace means that Santa did visit. A sense of calm decends over the room. "Daddy switch on the big light" is the cry, I oblige and there it is, an Aladdin's Cave of all they asked, and a little bit more.My little boy has to go the bathroom to release a "pressure pee", while my little girl inventorises everything just to be sure.

Its time to open the boxes and reveal the Toys.There is a lot of ripping and pulling and then it starts "Daddy can you open this?", "Daddy, you will have to help me with this", "Daddy the batteries for this are different to the batteries on the box".By now I need to get a cup of coffee, so I tell my children to put the toys that they need help with to one side,and open the ones that are easy, and as soon as I have made myself a cup of coffee I will return and will help everyone. I went and made myself a cup of coffee and returned to find everything still in the box and my two children sitting on the couch, watching cartoons eating a "curly wirrley",as the only thing that they could open and use was the "Selection Box".

So I begin, I open a toy, and being older and wiser, I explain to my children that we must read the instructions carefully to ensure that we assemble everything correctly. I fish out the instructions and begin to read,

Here is a rough guide to what I encountered,

1 "Remove the parts and Instruction Sheet from the box". So I must open the box to read the instruction's to tell me to open the box.

2 "Ensure that all of the following items are contained, 15 of X, 10 of Y, etc,etc.Fine but why to the diagrams not agree with the actual's.

3 "Should any of the items mentioned in point 2 above please call 0044(whatever) and a customer service agent will help you to assemble this product". On Christmas day, I should have but did'nt bother.

You know where this is going, one toy did'nt even have English instructions so I muddled through in French, I was going to call my brother in law in France but I thought he probably has English instruction's for something else and we'll be one the phone forever.

This is a plan to drive us all mad, and resign us in a heap of frustration whilst they sit back and count the money.

To further illustrate my point my wife is at present downstairs with a 24 page instruction manual for a toy sewing machine, thats a full 13 hrs later a real sewing machine would'nt take this long to get going.

Another thing the instructions says " You should keep this instruction sheet as it is an important document" so when the banks reopen I will go into the branch and ask them to put this pile of instructions with my deeds and investments in its vault.