It is to become compulsory for 11 to 14 year olds to be able "to cook a tomato sauce" announced Ed Balls, School Secretary, as he introduced new labour plans to tackle obesity. The Government will fund the training of eight hundred new cookery teachers in the next two to three years making practical cooking skills part of the national curriculum from 2011. Students will be able to "do shepherds pie, or chilli con carne ... or do a simple curry", he continued, while inviting members of the public to suggest healthy, easy to prepare dishes. (Ed, how about Tomato Sauce?)

Critics of the scheme point out the fact that physical activities aren't compulsory, and physical exercise may be more effective in fighting obesity trends among the young.

Meanwhile, a giant picture of Gordon Brown was delivered to Downing Street today for approval by the PM. It's rumoured the image will be permanently displayed on London Bridge, in a similar way to the portrait of Chairman Mao in the Forbidden City, Beijing.

The monster reaches out his huge hand....

Home affairs committee chairman, Keith Vaz, speaking during yesterdays question time said the government are likely to press ahead with national ID cards and were going to pilot the scheme this year by issuing them to foreigners entering the country. Press ahead? Of course they are. The Identity Cards Bill received Royal Assent in March 2006, and the UK passport office became the IPS (Identity and Passport Service) on 1st April 2006. The IPS website is unequivocal in saying the "National Identity Scheme will eventually become compulsory". The scheme will be obligatory for British, Irish and foreign nationals resident in the UK.

The ID cards will contain biometric data which will also be stored on a national database with other personal details. This data is being termed our  "biographical footprint" which the government will keep and track. The scheme is being packaged up as though it were for our benefit, but the benefits listed on the IPS website are really pretty lame.

The cards will cost £30 each. With a population of 60million this will raise £1.8billion which will pay for extra public sector staff to run the scheme, and another public sector IT project to build the database. Are you comfortable with this? Would you have preferred this to have been spent on the NHS? Does the government have a good track record of storing data? Do you trust them with your "biographical footprint"?

I don't! And what's coming next? A CCTV camera in every home?

32 dead horses were discovered in Amersham, Bucks at the weekend. Three other animals were in such poor condition they had to be put down, while the remaining stock of eighty were being taken to sanctuaries rather than the meat hooks they were destined for. Conditions at the site were described as "utterly horrific" with horses being tied up in small pens and standing in their own excrement.

So what's the problem? They're animals! There are plenty of starving people in Africa who'd be happy to eat them! This probably isn't a response you'd expect, but would it be more acceptable if I was talking about chickens?

They live for thirty nine days, never see natural light, constantly feed to make their commercial weight, are overcrowded, get painful lesions on their legs from sitting in their own faeces ("hock burns"), and are starved for eight hours on their last day to have a clean gut before ending up on our shelves in Tesco at two for a fiver.

This is the story Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall has been describing on Channel 4 this week as he tried to convert  Axminster into Britain's first free range town. His experimental chicken farm contrasted differences in welfare, and in taste, between factory reared and free range. The free range chickens, he said, are "out here in the grass, doing what chickens want to do."

I would like to think, and I'm probably in the majority,  the surviving horses in Amersham would have a similar fate and were free to run around a field, but when it comes to chickens people just don't seem to feel the same. They're chickens, they'll buy two for a fiver.

I'm actually in denial it's the new year.  It can't really have passed by that quickly. They've missed out on some of the months. They must have done. Was there an April? And what about October, I don't remember there being an October?

I do remember The Rise of the Silver Surfer, the disappearance of Madeline, demolishing the garden shed, and a few other things really got my goat during the year, but here's my top ten....

1. Gordon Brown
   Continuing to annoy me. He became Prime Minister, bottled an election, quietly signed the Lisbon treaty passing further powers away to the EU, promised a government of "all the talents" then lost the personal details of 25million people, had a party funding scandal, pledged an end to spin while in the same breath claiming to have reduced the rate of corporation tax (not quite, there was an increase for small companies - the so called backbone of the economy). The Tories say he's the wrong man, but of course they would, wouldn't they! 
2. Carbon footprint
   In 2007 our carbon footprints became big business. The Chancellor has been rubbing his hands in glee at the prospect of being able to introduce new types of taxes, and companies have been dressing in floral prints designed by their marketers. This latest fashion of "social responsibility" is being paraded on the catwalk in front of us mug consumers. Meanwhile there seems to be a whole body of evidence accumulating to suggest man-made C02 plays only a minor, insignificant role in climate change. When trying to finds the facts on Google I found instead near Freudian hysteria and contributions from people who seem to think they're in a movie. The consequences of man-made climate change, wrote one budding actor, will be "worse, much much worse......eventual extinction".
3. Nobel Peace Prize
   In keeping with "the year of the footprint" this year the Nobel Prize for Peace was shared between an organisation and Al Gore. They each get half a prize " for their efforts to build up and disseminate greater knowledge about man-made climate change, and to lay the foundations for the measures that are needed to counteract such change".  Why did Al Gore get a prize for his video? There's even doubts it was actually true, like, get down to the bookies - there may yet be a chance of Jeremy Clarkson winning in 2008 for his continued work on Top Gear.
4. Virgin Media
   Launched on February 14th, V-Day. Steve Burch, CEO of NTL, was quoted at the time as saying "Virgin Media will shake up the market by bringing the Virgin traditions of value-for-money, brilliant customer service and innovation to the world of entertainment and communications."  However, a bungled negotiation with BSkyB led to the loss of popular channels such as Sky 1, Sky News, Sky 2, Sky Travel, Sky 3.... 40,000 customers fled in the first three months, perhaps they knew the virgin traditions of "value for money, brilliant customer service and innovation" are a branding screen thrown up to hide a normal company. They don't mean anything. Did we see our TV charges reduce with less channels? No. Did we see phone charges increase? Yes Sir we did!
5. Windows Vista
   The biggest technological disappointment of 2007 despite an R&D bill of £10bn, Windows Vista, actually seems to be an operating system designed for teenagers to help organise their media files. It seems a ridiculous use of hardware to spend on unnecessarily indexing every file and on fancy graphics like transparency which don't add anything and, in fact,  hamper the experience.  First set of tasks to do if you're a consumer stuck with Vista and you can't return it - turn off windows sidebar, un-tick all files in Indexing options, change update settings, change control panel to classic view, change start menu to classic, and yes, download open office as you won't be able to use Excel. 
6. HMRC
   It doesn't look like we'll ever see a video podcast or a YouTube channel explaining the ongoing delays to VAT applications which continued throughout 2007. The HMRC website, now in 2008, still displays the same notice since 2006, "Please be aware we are currently experiencing processing delays with both paper and online applications".  Applications can take up to six months to process, clearly inconveniencing small business. No practical guidance is given by HMRC on what to do during this lengthy application period. They just don't care, they're opening premise - "everyone's a crook" - guides all policy.
7. Tesco
   What's Tesco becoming? On my last visit of 2007 to Tesco Express in Port Solent my conclusion was a village. It has it's own pharmacy, a Costa Coffee, a supermarket, what appears to be an Argos, a department store, a Krispy Kreme Doughnut, and an opticians. The trouble is the supermarket is a mess, boxes on the ground, empty shelves, off products and staff pushing cages everywhere. You have to literally dodge the cages because they can't see what's in front when they're pushing. And there are plans to add a dentist practice to this village. I'd actually prefer if they brought in another supermarket chain, a company that knows how to run a supermarket, because Tesco seem to have forgotten.
8. Celebrity Rehab
   Britney Spears, Amy Winehouse, Pete Doherty, Lyndsay Lohan et al, all seemingly gone off the rails. They go into rehab, they come out, they get drunk or spaced, get pictured without their underwear, get spaced, go into rehab, and it's all front page news. I'm just not intersted. Why can't they just get a grip?
9. Open Season on the Games
   The 2012 logo was launched on Monday the 4th of  June and was almost instantly and unanimously derided (including by me). The jagged, graffiti design was likened to Lisa Simpson performing a lewd sex act. Within three days almost 50,000 people signed an online petition calling for the logo to be scrapped, an animated version had to be pulled from broadcast over fears the effects cause epileptic seizure. It was open season on "the Games", all year in fact, the underlying theme being, it's being run by a bunch of incompetents who don't know what they're doing. It'll be wrong and over budget. Guffaw! How could they forget the VAT? See point six above on HMRC, who in the end decided they couldn't register.
10. Big Brother
    Following the celebrity Big Brother race row, the ugly bullying of Shilpa Shetty, and Carphone Warehouse withdrawing sponsorship for the programme, we quietly hoped 2007 would be the last year of Big Brother. But no, it's continued....

Happy New Year and God bless for 2008

As 2008 begins, and the first day of commuting misfires with overrunning engineering works, I've compiled my list of the most annoying attributes of, or the reasons to avoid using, public transport. 

1. Mental Health Patients
   You won't find these in your car, so the number one reason to avoid public transport is having one of the UK's early released mental health patients in the same carriage as you. You know they've been left out early and are not taking medication as they're bare foot wearing sandals in December so there is no hiding their freakish yeti feet as they pace the carriage in a confused circle, scratching their beard. What are they going to do next, make a lunge for someone with a knife?
2. Ringtones
   When the "Mission Impossible" ringtone goes off people don't turn heads to look in admiration at the cool guy. If they turn around at all it's to look at the "knob head" who needs a ringtone to validate their personality. And of course, it isn't limited to "Mission Impossible", there's a whole industry built around downloading ringtones, some, like the crazy frog, specifically designed to be annoying. A 2007 research paper by the World Health Organisation into the long term ill effects of noise exposure suggested 3% of deaths from coronary heart disease were caused by chronic noise exposure. I wonder how many of these were on the overland to Waterloo? For 2008 put in on vibrate, your ringtone won't really be "the envy of your mates" as the advertising might suggest.
3. iPods / MP3's
   Played too loudly and you can overhear this awful tinny sound. It's just more noise adding to the coronary heart disease statistics. You can't hear a tune. The noise however, becomes even more aggravating if the person wearing the iPod starts "getting on down" to the music by nodding their head or tapping their foot - even more so if they're middle aged.
4. The smell of a McDonalds
   Number four in the list is the smell pervading the carriage as someone sits there and horses down a happy meal while you suffocate with the stink. You have to switch to breathing through the mouth. At times like this you would gladly turn into a 19th Century dandy or Russell Brand look-alike and produce, with a flourish, a scented kerchief from your sleeve to wave under your nose. This would also insulate you from the smell of clothes left to dry in a wet bundle, body odour, Lynx or someone's silent CO2 emission.
5. It's just too crowded
   Why do some people still insist on reading their newspaper when you're literally crushed together and can't move. They will still try to turn the pages literally within a half inch or less of your nose. 
6. Mobile Phones
   Their second appearance in my list of reasons to avoid public transport and use your car. I'm not sure which is worse, sitting in ear shot of someone going on and on in short story long mode or someone loudly soliloquising on their mobile as if the carriage were their theatre. They talk so they can be overheard. It doesn't matter who's on the other side, this is about the speaker and the other commuters in the carriage. It's as if they want to "be the envy of the other commuters". 
7. People talking in the morning
   It shouldn't be allowed. In the morning we want to sit in silence with our own thoughts and not be irritated by any early morning chatter, particularly when combined with laughter. And have you noticed, those talking seem to be doing so unnecessarily loudly?
8. Overrunning engineering works
   The first working day of 2008 backfires as overrunning engineering works close Liverpool Street station and lead to two hour delays on a main England to Scotland route. We're advised the work should have been completed. Very helpful! Meanwhile fares are due to increase by another 10%
9. Undertaking on the escalators
   We're all familiar with road rage, but in 2007 I was one bit lip away from being involved in the first incidence of escalator rage. We all know, other than the occasional gaggle of tourists, that there are two lanes on the escalator. On the right you stand, on the left you hurry by. But even this isn't quick enough for some. A gap in the slow lane and someone will dart out form behind you, overtake and push back in in front, even though you're jogging down the escalator yourself.. 
10. Public Nose picking
    As you watch in unbelief, out in public, surrounded by other people, and without a tissue or handkerchief in sight they'll start to pick their nose. Don't they realise where they are? Don't they realise they're out in public? You worry. What are they going to do next? Wipe it off the seat, flick it somewhere. Ugh!.
11. Lack of spatial awareness
    This is particularly for those who wear bulky bags or backpacks on their backs and still obliviously turn in a confined space so the bag knocks into everyone. It's also for those who seem determined to obstruct the exit or entrance or who form a jostling human barricade to block your exit from the train onto the platform. They get on before you have time to get off, they shout out "can you move down please" even though people are stuffed in as it is.....
12. Slamming carriage doors
    Why do some people board the train on the last carriage and then proceed to walk through all the carriages, slamming the doors until they get to the first carriage. This is as confusing for me as those who take five to ten minutes to check in at an airport. 
13. Fast Trains
    Whenever I do get one of these it's overtaken by the slow train and seems to crawl along at 5miles an hour, periodically stopping for no apparent reason. Invariably you'll be late.
14. Platform announcements
    These are either inaudible or the speakers are too inarticulate to understand. It isn't just a consequence of a multi-cultural society where English isn't the first spoken language. This is a muffled environment carefully contrived to confound passengers. It's a mixture of old tannoy equipment, silence, and a careful recruitment strategy which seems to favour non English speaking candidates. On the Cork Dublin train recently I became very confused, place names like Charleville were suddenly transformed into place names within  the Golden Triangle. I didn't know where I was.
15. Guys crossing their legs
    On the tube there just isn't enough room.  This is of course limited to the ungainly, men only leg cross, where the ankle rests on the thigh. Clearly the dirty sole of their shoe or boot is going to graze the leg of the person beside them - but they're completely oblivious to this. They're too busy checking out their own reflection in the window opposite. 

Do you really want to do this for another year?