As 2008 begins, and the first day of commuting misfires with overrunning engineering works, I've compiled my list of the most annoying attributes of, or the reasons to avoid using, public transport. 

1. Mental Health Patients
   You won't find these in your car, so the number one reason to avoid public transport is having one of the UK's early released mental health patients in the same carriage as you. You know they've been left out early and are not taking medication as they're bare foot wearing sandals in December so there is no hiding their freakish yeti feet as they pace the carriage in a confused circle, scratching their beard. What are they going to do next, make a lunge for someone with a knife?
2. Ringtones
   When the "Mission Impossible" ringtone goes off people don't turn heads to look in admiration at the cool guy. If they turn around at all it's to look at the "knob head" who needs a ringtone to validate their personality. And of course, it isn't limited to "Mission Impossible", there's a whole industry built around downloading ringtones, some, like the crazy frog, specifically designed to be annoying. A 2007 research paper by the World Health Organisation into the long term ill effects of noise exposure suggested 3% of deaths from coronary heart disease were caused by chronic noise exposure. I wonder how many of these were on the overland to Waterloo? For 2008 put in on vibrate, your ringtone won't really be "the envy of your mates" as the advertising might suggest.
3. iPods / MP3's
   Played too loudly and you can overhear this awful tinny sound. It's just more noise adding to the coronary heart disease statistics. You can't hear a tune. The noise however, becomes even more aggravating if the person wearing the iPod starts "getting on down" to the music by nodding their head or tapping their foot - even more so if they're middle aged.
4. The smell of a McDonalds
   Number four in the list is the smell pervading the carriage as someone sits there and horses down a happy meal while you suffocate with the stink. You have to switch to breathing through the mouth. At times like this you would gladly turn into a 19th Century dandy or Russell Brand look-alike and produce, with a flourish, a scented kerchief from your sleeve to wave under your nose. This would also insulate you from the smell of clothes left to dry in a wet bundle, body odour, Lynx or someone's silent CO2 emission.
5. It's just too crowded
   Why do some people still insist on reading their newspaper when you're literally crushed together and can't move. They will still try to turn the pages literally within a half inch or less of your nose. 
6. Mobile Phones
   Their second appearance in my list of reasons to avoid public transport and use your car. I'm not sure which is worse, sitting in ear shot of someone going on and on in short story long mode or someone loudly soliloquising on their mobile as if the carriage were their theatre. They talk so they can be overheard. It doesn't matter who's on the other side, this is about the speaker and the other commuters in the carriage. It's as if they want to "be the envy of the other commuters". 
7. People talking in the morning
   It shouldn't be allowed. In the morning we want to sit in silence with our own thoughts and not be irritated by any early morning chatter, particularly when combined with laughter. And have you noticed, those talking seem to be doing so unnecessarily loudly?
8. Overrunning engineering works
   The first working day of 2008 backfires as overrunning engineering works close Liverpool Street station and lead to two hour delays on a main England to Scotland route. We're advised the work should have been completed. Very helpful! Meanwhile fares are due to increase by another 10%
9. Undertaking on the escalators
   We're all familiar with road rage, but in 2007 I was one bit lip away from being involved in the first incidence of escalator rage. We all know, other than the occasional gaggle of tourists, that there are two lanes on the escalator. On the right you stand, on the left you hurry by. But even this isn't quick enough for some. A gap in the slow lane and someone will dart out form behind you, overtake and push back in in front, even though you're jogging down the escalator yourself.. 
10. Public Nose picking
    As you watch in unbelief, out in public, surrounded by other people, and without a tissue or handkerchief in sight they'll start to pick their nose. Don't they realise where they are? Don't they realise they're out in public? You worry. What are they going to do next? Wipe it off the seat, flick it somewhere. Ugh!.
11. Lack of spatial awareness
    This is particularly for those who wear bulky bags or backpacks on their backs and still obliviously turn in a confined space so the bag knocks into everyone. It's also for those who seem determined to obstruct the exit or entrance or who form a jostling human barricade to block your exit from the train onto the platform. They get on before you have time to get off, they shout out "can you move down please" even though people are stuffed in as it is.....
12. Slamming carriage doors
    Why do some people board the train on the last carriage and then proceed to walk through all the carriages, slamming the doors until they get to the first carriage. This is as confusing for me as those who take five to ten minutes to check in at an airport. 
13. Fast Trains
    Whenever I do get one of these it's overtaken by the slow train and seems to crawl along at 5miles an hour, periodically stopping for no apparent reason. Invariably you'll be late.
14. Platform announcements
    These are either inaudible or the speakers are too inarticulate to understand. It isn't just a consequence of a multi-cultural society where English isn't the first spoken language. This is a muffled environment carefully contrived to confound passengers. It's a mixture of old tannoy equipment, silence, and a careful recruitment strategy which seems to favour non English speaking candidates. On the Cork Dublin train recently I became very confused, place names like Charleville were suddenly transformed into place names within  the Golden Triangle. I didn't know where I was.
15. Guys crossing their legs
    On the tube there just isn't enough room.  This is of course limited to the ungainly, men only leg cross, where the ankle rests on the thigh. Clearly the dirty sole of their shoe or boot is going to graze the leg of the person beside them - but they're completely oblivious to this. They're too busy checking out their own reflection in the window opposite. 

Do you really want to do this for another year?