Gordon Brown, as part of his pre-election campaigning, announced yesterday his top three priorities for the country were "keeping on the road to recovery, keeping on the road to recovery and keeping on the road to recovery". "Bugger", he adds quietly to Alastair Darling, " which f'ing way is it?".

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In a web exclusive, a local Government official has revealed a new tool in their armoury of powers to help them crack down on the UK tax payer. The airborne CCTV device, conceived by Gordon Brown while still Chancellor, is currently being trialled by a number of London Boroughs to verify council tax bandings, to check up on recycling "errors" and to observe spending behaviours. Shareholders take note, the camera, which will be able to record your home through your windows, may spark an increase in the sale of net curtains. The official commented "if you have nothing to hide then you have nothing to fear".

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