"Mighty warriors with mighty swords, shiny helmets and shield bosses
We sail over the crimosn sea seeking plunder in Angle land.."

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Virgin Media. No broadband. No TV. The engineer was booked for between 8am and noon on Saturday. If I missed the slot Virgin were going to charge me a £10 penalty. For a bank holiday there were other things I would rather be doing but the frustration of being without, erm... really not good.

At 9:30am the phone rings. It's customer service, the engineer has called in sick. No one else is available. This is taking the piss. Called in sick on a bank holiday? Guess what he's been up to. I have no choice but to reschedule.

Given Virgin Media were going to charge me a tenner, shouldn't I be entitled to do the same as they missed their slot? Maybe this would provide an incentive for the company to start providing a proper level of customer service. What a prick of an engineer. What do you think I should do?

The 2nd of May and the Express Delivery package Amazon shipped on the 16th April still hasn't been delivered. It seems to be lost in Cork by UPS, even though their tracking screen still shows the package being scanned in every morning. 

Looking at the long list of dates - UPS may as well wave a red rag in front of me. Unbelievably, I even sent them a Google map and they still couldn't deliver. I sent Amazon the same map. They replied to me with a very automated response, and then seem to have done nothing at all. A week passed and despite their claim to be "building Earth's most customer-centric company" I hear nothing at all. They don't seem to have picked up the phone to give UPS a kick in the rectum or to let me know what's going on. 

Having had enough I cancel the order and take the opportunity to make a complaint to Amazon. Mohanraj, at Customer Service, advises me the delivery "reflects negatively upon Amazon.co.uk and the feedback that you have provided will be used in reviewing the service provided by UPS. I have forwarded your comments to relevant department and they will investigate the issue."

Translation: nothing will happen and I certainly don't expect to hear any outcome. Interestingly, no reference is made to Amazon's own customer service failings and in not following up with UPS after my earlier enquiries, nor updating me at any stage.

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UPS deliver 15.5 million packages and documents daily to more than two hundred countries and claim to be able to deliver to every address in Europe and North America. In using them, my intention was not to test the assertion, but instead to deliver a package to my Dad in time for his birthday. Actually, I didn't have a choice. I bought a book on Amazon and selected priority delivery.

The package should have arrived next day, but over a week later and it still hasn't arrived. The driver couldn't find the address. Seemingly unquestioned by a supervisor, the driver marked the package up with " incorrect address".

This address is one of those saved on Amazon and has been delivered to umpteen times before. Nothwithstanding this, if you actually type it into Google Maps, it's clearly displayed. In fact, astonishingly, I went to the trouble of saving a google map with the address pin pointed and sent it through to UPS support. They responded to say they've forwarded the email "to the relevant department", but the package still hasn't arrived. Is it me or does good customer service seem to be a thing of the past? A company reaches a certain size and they couldn't give a monkey's about your business any more. They're too focussed on the share price. Or are the staff in Cork sitting around eating peanuts?

Where's my effin package?

While going through the monthly exercise of shredding all the junk mail the banks, credit card and insurance companies pile through our letter boxes I find a letter from Tesco Insurance saying they have automatically renewed my home insurance. I need do no more!

The letter says:

My first thought was "I've been had", my second was, why did Tesco store my bank details for the year? My third thought was, look at the premium - £456.75. This is over two and a half times more expensive than the cheapest quote I had received for a comparable policy, from Swinton.

My fourth thought was, I'll never use these cowboys again, how can they get away with it - and try to pass it off as though they're doing me a favour and being done in the name of high standards?

What'll it be next? Will I find some of the staff in my living room opening a bottle of wine. "We decided to help ourselves, every little helps!"

I'm sure I have a weak regulator to thank for shafting the consumer and limiting my choice in the area so I have to endure three trips to Tesco in the week, one to the supermarket, one to the Tesco convenience shop and one to the Tesco petrol station.

All three had their own dissatisfied tale to tell about Tesco Customer Service.....

1. At the supermarket the groceries were being scanned as if it were the new speed event in the 2012 Olympics. As I struggled, near defeat, with separating plastic bags and trying to pack, the cashier was finished and was now busy texting on her mobile phone, completely oblivious to me.

2. At the partly flooded convenience shop I bought a chicken ceaser wrap. The cashier seemed to clear a bonus of £2 from the transaction. I handed him £4, and watched as he registered £2 cash received on the till. What happened to the other £2?

3. At the petrol station - I wrote about this earlier - a queue even though there are free pumps. What are the staff doing? From the corner of my eye I observe a manager emerge from the nearby supermarket. He takes a closer look, albeit at long distance, at the queue and scuttles back inside the supermarket. What do the staff do? Nothing!

I think the petrol stations are designed to work without supervision. When I finally make it inside to pay the two chuckling cashiers decide to swap tills while us customers wait.

Going to Tesco gets you in such a bad mood! Grrrrrrr......

All of the Irish Newspapers have visited the topic of Irish consumers being charged, in some cases up to 50% more, for same goods that are for sale in British multiples that operate here.Cries of Rip-off jump from the pages daily.

They have all being banging on about this outrageous practice, and asking questions like,why are the savings accruing from the weak sterling/euro exchange rate not being passed on by the likes of Tesco.

There has been so much written it has caused Brian Cowen, Taoiseach, to call members of the National Consumer Association "f*#kers", indeed this must be a serious issue.

As the newspapers ask the stores to explain, what are they doing?, exactly the same thing. I buy a newspaper almost everyday, and on Sunday this extends to 2 or 3. All these newspapers carry dual pricing in Euro and Stg£, and here are the prices being charged and what the should be charged if you use £.79 exchange rate.

I buy 5 Irish Times and 1 each of the Sunday Newspapers it would cost you €16.30 for the week, this would be £9.75 and this translated at .79p it should cost me an Euro equivalent of €12.32. The difference is €3.98 , which means that the above Irish Newspapers are, on average are 32.30% more expensive in Ireland than in the UK eventhough they are produced here.

So if the newspapers want to be the consumer advocate should'nt they get their own house in order first? and start explaining why they are'nt practising what they preach.

Waterstones that bastion of thespians and lesbians has changed.

It was always a place where I disliked buying books primarily due to the "langers" that worked behind the counter. Many if not all were college graduates who had the ambition and drive to work in a shop,albeit a book shop. They always looked unkept and could'nt resist having a peek at what you were reading and then snootingly packing then into a bag before handing them back to you.

On Tuesday I was in Dublin and decided to call in to the Waterstones shop on Dawson Street, as I had never paid a visit. On entering at approximately 11am I was overcome with a strong smell, I said "whats that". It was so powerful it stopped me in my tracks, I looked around and realised that it was the smell of vegetable soup, thats right vegetable soup, wafting in the air from the restaurant on the second floor.

Christ it was terrible, the pong filled the air so preventing you from having a good browse. Additionally would'nt you think that due to the "higher intellect" of its staff they could have cooked a nicer smelling soup, for example tomato and basil.

Why cant we live in a world where book shops sells books, coffee shops sells coffee, and cafes sells soup.

Needless to say I did'nt stay very long and I certainly w'ont be back

          This is my first ever post/rant but I'm doing it with the hatred of the situation fresh in my mind.

          I work as shop manager in a small, independant retail outlet. One of the things I hate most about working in this place is customers spending next to nothing and then having the cheek to ask for discount!

          As a small, independant retail outlet you are striving to keep the business going all the time. There is always a bigger shop offering cheaper prices then you right around the corner. You pride yourself on being able to offer the best competative prices and a more personal service then the cooperate drones nearby, but the average joe-public seems not only to be totally unimpressed with your service but he tries to push you into giving him discount for nothing.

          For example- a customer puts two �1 items and one �2 item onto the counter. "That's only �4 please" you say to him, and so it is. It's not �868.93 or �60, it's a petty 400p. The customer hands me �3 in change. "Hang on!" I say, "that's only �3, the total is �4 please". The customer pulls a smug grin; "How much for cash?" he says. There is a pause for a couple of seconds whilst I give him a chance to consider that he just asked me to discount three items adding to a grand total of �4.00. "It's still �4.00" I point out in a dead serious tone. "Are you sure?" he says. "Yes" I say. "Sure?" he tries once more. "Yes I am" I say. The smug git turns to his wife next to him and says "Didn't go to the same school as us did he". "No I didn't" I say with a smile, whilst thinking "no mate, in the school I went to they taught us how to add up to 4"...

         This happens more and more frequently all the time. I can see why in our outward spiraling economy you might be tempted to ask for a discount- we would all like to get things for a little less. We are actually happy to offer discount, as long as the customer is after enough of the same item from our shop to get a discount from our suppliers. We are not happy to offer discount to annoying cheapskates who are trying to get the price of fish reduced for nothing whatsoever. Do you barter with your local supermarket over the price of a tin of beans? No? Why not? They not only have a much larger profit margin then our small independants but they probably make several billion pounds more then we do every year. If they don't offer discount why would we?

          My point? Don't ask for discount unless you definately think you might deserve it. Less then 10 items of less then �3.00 each- not worth discount. We have customers spend �200 and expect no discount at all, what makes you so bloody different?

Why are "Fair Trade" goods so much more expensive than un-Fair Trade goods?.

Take for example a cup of coffee, there are a number of places that you can buy a cup of coffee where I live, additionally there are as many prices but generally they range from €1.50 to €1.95 a cup.

The only exception is the coffee shop selling "Fair Trade" coffee at €2.95 a cup.

Why is the coffee from the Fair Trade coffee shop so much more expensive?. I understand and appreciate that the growers are, or at least are meant to get, a better price for their coffee. You can be assured that they are not getting the 50% premium that you and I are being charged.

Are you meant to feel better about yourself when you buy free trade coffee?, I certainly d'ont , I feel ripped off.

Next time you are in the supermarket look for the "Fair Trade" section, most of the multiples have them, and carry out a simple comparision purely on price. Then ask yourself are you willing to pay that much extra? I know I'm not.

One final thing what have penguins got to do with "Fair Trade" ?

Over the last number of weeks the Credit Crunch has filled our newspapers and news bulletins. For those who would like an understandable explaination click here.

So there you have it, the credit crunch is as a result of the Banks lending money to people that could'nt afford to repay,lying about the value of these "assets" and hoodwinking some into thinking that they could afford bigger mortgages by giving them "discounted introductionary offers".

Unlike other businesses that are usually allowed to go bust when they make a bollocks of their business, banks are given assistance,( Northern Rock and Bear Sterns), to fix the problem and preserve their vast profits by Governments and Central Banks, only yesterday the Bank of England announced its making £50bn available to UK Banks to assist in increasing liquidity as banks now are'nt lending to each other, because they c'ant trust each other.

Who will end up paying for all this, you and me in the form of higher interest rates, lower returns on stock markets, lower house valuation the list goes on

Really really annoying shit

Marks & Spencer don’t have a plan B. They do have a Plan A, and Plan A is all about tackling "some of the biggest challenges facing ..... the world".

Their eco-marketing literature says we’ll see them work with "customers .... to combat climate change". As part of the plan they’re introducing a 5p charge for plastic bags from the 6th of May, to help reduce the amount sent to landfill. Until then, every shopper will get a free bag for life with their food purchases.

I got one yesterday. It was handed to me, neatly folded, after I finished packing my purchases into the environmentally damaging plastic.

Pardon me for stating the "bleedin" obvious – but shouldn’t the free bag be handed out first – are you really serious about Plan A, or is this just more marketing to mug the consumer?

Christ I have heard it all, apparently Aer Lingus had a computer problem yesterday that essentially meant that Business Class flights to the US were offered on the website at €5 when infact they should be €1775.

Aer Lingus "copped on " to this problem after 2 hours and after some 100 people had "availed" of this offer, and paid with their credit cards, which would appear to satisfy the law of contract, but no! Aer Lingus cancelled all of these peoples bookings by sending them an email and "inviting them to re-book".

I heard Enda Corneille, Director, no less, of Corporate Affairs speak on Morning Ireland and saying something to the effect that people should have realised it was a honest mistake, I almost threw the radio out the window.

I heard recently of someone making their way back from a trip and the return date was incorrect on the piece of paper.The return date was entered incorrectly by the person, a honest mistake, but that person had to pay €400 to get home, and Aer Lingus's attitude was " its your fault you pay for it".

So when Aer Lingus makes a mistake, its our fault for not realising that the price could'nt be correct, when we make a mistake again its our fault. One would begin to wonder if you can trust anything that would appear on the website by way of prices.

If Aer Lingus are allowed to get away with this what is stopping them from changing the price of flights after you have paid for them?, I know that sounds silly but were are the customers rights here?. More importantly due to the advent of internet shopping, is the law of contract no longer valid? from this situation it would appear so.

I cant believe that they did'nt simply say "right we f*#ked up let the people go for the fiver", they could have actually used it for good marketing, I know thats an oxymoron,but no,they came out with a defense that frankly in the same class as "the dog ate my homework".

Eating out should be a treat.

At Cafe Rouge, about five minutes from Brighton's seafront, early on Saturday evening, people were being turned away because there were no tables.

They were lucky.

This would have been anything but a treat.

The service at Cafe Rouge was so bad I think it is the first restaurant I ever walked out of without leaving a tip.

We waited an hour for the Salade de al mer, a main course which, unbelievably, was smaller than the side salad. Is it a main course, or have we been mugged and served a starter portion?

There is no one to ask. We can’t even order another drink as there is no service. Not once did anyone visit the table to see how things were.

Having waited twenty minutes for a coffee I complained about the children’s meal. There was no banana. The waiter didn’t seem to understand.

I cancelled the coffee. Just bring me the bill, I hissed.

People were still being turned away. Not because the place was so busy, but because the service was so abysmal.

Outside I look back, take out my camera and photograph the facade. I make a mental note: never return, dissuade anyone from going.

M&S share price has dipped again after news the retailer issued 70,000 to 800,000 20% discount vouchers to employees and pensioners in an attempt to boost trading. Sales are still down since Christmas, and while it may be convenient to blame consumer confidence or "tough trading conditions" or interest rates, where M&S are concerned, other controllable factors are clearly contributing to the decline. In fact, if you have the vouchers, there is every possibility they'll still be in your pocket at the end of the day.

Take their clothing. Last weekend I visited M&S at Hedge End. Out of a large selection of suits there were actually only two choices. One,a grey city pin, had the right jacket size but not the right trouser size. For the other, the complete opposite. They had the right trouser size but not the jacket. Are there any sales assistants?

I wait for one. I give up and wander away to another section. I come back. I wait. I give up again. I overhear an old dear confide to her friend "they used to do fantastic stuff in M&S but they seem to have stopped doing it for some reason". I couldn't make up this comment. I come back. I wait. Finally, after about fifteen minutes, a sales assistant appears only to say "We don't keep stock Sir. Just whats on the rails. We can order it in for you?."

Order it in? Great! Shall I just wait here for three days, by the changing room? I leave. Next day I visit M&S in Portsmouth. Unbelievably, in the grey pin suit, they have the right trousers but not the right jacket size. It's Sunday trading, so I have no chance of making it back to Hedge End before closing to get a full set.

During the week, as I still need a suit, I interrupt my commute home and get out at Oxford Circus. I walk to Marble Arch, home to the largest M&S store in the UK. Inside, I have to give right of way to a sales assistant before going up the escalator to Mens. Rails and Rails of suits to walk passed. Their biggest store in the UK, a huge choice of suits, but still the same issue. You can't get a complete set.

Tough trading conditions. Don't give me that cow crap, when the buying conditions are impossible!

Tesco have added a wall of diy tools to its Express in Port Solent as it continues to expand and expand and expand. I went in to do some quick grocery shopping, but what an effort! Firstly, there were no baskets by the door and I had to literally hunt one down. None at checkout one. None at checkout two. None at checkout three. What the f_ck, did they send them all out on a training course! Finally, I find one lone basket at checkout nine.

You know I read recently that well over 50% of the people who shop at Tesco find it irritating. I'm sure the rest find it really annoying. Half the aisles are littered with packaging and there just seems to be no pride in keeping the place clean.

No pride. What's this? Pizza Express pizzas dated the 13th. That's three days ago, and they are still on sale at full price. Now that's just taking the piss!

This morning I bought my newspapers and had a good browse, whilst I was doing so I came across a full page ad for PC World. Contained in the ad was a 8GB flash drive, reduced from €104.99 to €44.99, I said thats good value I'll get that.

I called my wife and asked if she could call to PC World today and pick up something for me, "no bother" she said. I said if you have any trouble call me.

She called me from the shop and said that they were'nt on the shelfs, I suggested ask an assistant, what was I thinking?, here is something like the conversation that took place,

Wife; Sorry I'm looking for the 8Gb Removable memory drive that was advertised todays newspaper.

Asst; Are they on the shelf?

Wife; No thats why I'm asking for help, they were advertised this morning on the newspaper.

Asst; Ok I'll check, I'll come back to you.....

Fifteen minutes later he arrives,

Asst; They c'ant find them in the warehouse either, and you're sure they were on todays newspaper?

Wife ; yes why else would I be here asking so specifically.

Asst; We must have them so, maybe if we go to the and enter the code you'll be able to pay for it and then they'll have find it then as we can't sell stuff we d'ont have stock of.

My wife was totally confused but went along with the idea, she was there for 30mins anyway, at that someone came along waving the product they found them in the warehouse, apparently they were in an "unopened box".

Anyway my wife paid for the stick and left it only took 40 mins to complete the transaction.

Well done PC World and you are wondering why profits are down, look around its not that difficult to see why, if you advertise it should increase "footfall" its what you do who dictates the rest, that advice is free.

Why is it always at the most inopportune moment your bank or credit card company will decide to put a stop or caution on your credit or debit card? And what are you supposed to do? The only contact numbers on the card are to report if it's lost or stolen. There isn't a number listed on it to call if your bank have put a hold on it.

Although my most embarrassing moment was definitely being stranded at a checkout in Tesco with the card stopped and no cash, this Christmas the bank did it inconveniently again. Twice.

The first time, Nintendo Wii's were back in online stock but because the card wouldn't process they were out of stock before I had time to finish. I didn't get one.

Next day I decided to buy something else, ordering before 2pm to make next day delivery. Again the card was stopped. By the time I had run through a series of ridiculous security questions by the bank (such as "Give me the name of a music store you buy music?" - let's face it, you have a 50:50 chance of getting that one right, HMV or whatever Virgin is now called!) I missed the cut-off so the delivery is now scheduled for two to three days after Christmas. No doubt by then it will have been discounted 50% in the sales.

Is there a better way?. Could the bank actually call, don't they have your contact numbers? But of course some of them do. Recently a friend was left stranded in a panic in Tunisia in the middle of the night when her card was stopped. She had no cash. The bank however had kindly left a message on her home telephone in the UK saying the card was stopped as it was being used in Tunisia.

Being used in Tunisia? Ehh, maybe she's in Tunisia, maybe we should call her mobile? No such luck.

There must be a better way. At least as a start a customer service number should be printed on the card. You might then have some chance, rather than having to take a very ignoble exit from Tesco if you happen to be left stranded with no cash and a refused card.

Mr A gestured to the Garfunkel's across the road and suggested we "just go in there". Even though it was quiet, the staff left us waiting to be seated for an unnecessarily long period of time. 

When it was obvious we weren't going to leave, the waitress approached. From her expression she'd clearly drawn the short straw. She had to endure the inconvenience of the customers. 

The attitude in the kitchen can't have been any better. I had to take a photograph of Mr A's lasagne. It was so palpably burnt - incredible that this could be delivered out of a kitchen in Piccadilly Circus and be unashamedly charged at £8.95.

Krispy Kreme have a facebook group, apparently, called Krispy Kreme is coming to Portsmouth. But don't get me started on social networking sites, I want to talk about another one. This site, pictured below, used to be the children's playground at Tesco's North Harbour in Portsmouth.

Make way! It was obviously not producing revenue and has been given over to the much healthier doughnut! Evidently 120,000 of them will be given out free in the run up to store opening and , especially for Portsmouth, a limited edition doughnut, called the Berry Redknapp, after former Pompey manager, will also be available. Don't you just love the marketing?

And the playground? Gone.

I often wondered why I would see queues of people in line outside Planet Hollywood or am I mistaking it with the Hard Rock Cafe? I'm not sure, I had never been there either. Planet Hollywood opened in 1991 with the backing of a bunch of Hollywood biggies such as Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis. It still seeks the endorsement of A list celebrities, and promises "distinctive dining" in its themed surrounds. 

The mission statement suggests a passion for their guests, no compromise on high standards and a continuous striving to improve. 

Still feeling deprived from lunch I ordered a club sandwich from the menu. Jayne ordered sizzling Fajitas.......... The food arrived. The club sandwich, despite the price, was made with processed turkey and the fries were cold. As for the sizzling fajitas of beef and chicken, the beef tasted as though it came straight from the refrigerator having been cooked the day before. Sizzling my arse!

A passion for guests? I don't think so. I'd have have felt more satisfied had I paid £50 for a happy meal in McDonalds. 

When I arrived at Disney's Newport Bay Club it was lunch time. Having checked in and made it to the room  I was tempted by the club sandwich on the room service menu. What arrived was so awful I had to ask for a refund and was only able to take a single bite. The sandwich, at €11.50, was halved rather than quartered. The bread, which was brown wasn't toasted. It was, however, hard and dry to the touch, as if the slices had been left out in the kitchen overnight. It was made with processed ham rather than chicken or turkey. 

Disney magic clearly didn't extend to the kitchens of the Newport Bay Club and the room service menu. The chef didn't clap his hands over this dreary bad ham sandwich  and utter a triumphant incantation - a puff of smoke ("Eh Voila!") - a club sandwich....

The traditional club sandwich is quartered, usually double-deckered and held together with toothpicks. The bread is toasted, crusts removed and the ingredients include bacon, chicken or turkey, tomato, lettuce and mayonnaise, not what they serve at the Newport Bay. Needless to say, I didn't order room service again.

Oh..... and I almost forgot, the sandwich came with a cold pot of tea.

Normally you can leave a pushchair at the aircraft steps. At the Air France check in desk at Charles de Gaulle the clerk looked down at the pushchair and shook his head. Not tonight, evidently. 

As the three year old was fast asleep, and there was still almost an hour before boarding, this seemed quite monstrous and I queried why the pushchair had to be checked in now. This certainly wasn't the case when we flew out, we left it at the aircraft steps. 

Visibly annoyed at us he looked about for someone else to confirm the check in. He came around to our side and walked across the floor, had a brief conversation with another AF clerk and returned. The pushchair had to be checked in. 

I lifted E out, still sound asleep, and struggled to fold the pushchair with one hand and one leg while the check in clerk watched, un-amused. He then produced a large plastic bag and started to pack the pushchair into it, advising us it had to be taken to Area 8. It couldn't be checked in at Area 10 with the rest of the luggage. 

Go to Area 8? Whatever about having to check the pushchair in, you would at least think we could have pushed it to Area 8, with E asleep, rather than trying to walk a high wire, balancing a sleeping child, a folded up pushchair and the hand baggage. What customer service!

A day later I hear about poor Jean-Jacques Jauffret, a French scriptwriter who was called "enormous!" by the check in clerk. Imagine, they actually came around from behind the check in desk and very publicly  measured his waist. Incredible!

Well, its happened, not only do the American's have to deal with having George W Bush as "Commander and Chief" they now have to confront Sir Terry Leahy as "Commander in Shite". Tesco have trumpted the beginning of its US campaign with the opening of Fresh & Easy in Florida Avenue in Hemet, Califorina, poor ba#t#rds.

Apparently, "Tel boy" is'nt happy with gleaning £16.7bn from its UK operations and $11bn from its international operation's its now set to spend $250m in opening 250 stores accoss the US, $1m a store, quality is apparently rife in this strategy. Additionally Leahy would pursue "everyday low price, strategy", keeping prices low on the basics such as milk ans sugar as low as possible rather than using promotional price cuts, coupons or the loyalty cards,why the different strategy in the US?.

No doubt in time Fresh & Easy will morph into the Tesco that we know and grossly dislike on this side of the Atlantic, Vannilla Cornet,will be become the norm and once the Tesco self check-out becomes the norm , I feel that we will have much more in common with our American brothers, I am sure that they will say what the feck did we send so many of our sons to Europe in the in 1940's in order to suffer this shite. Every little helps my arse.