Gordon Brown, as part of his pre-election campaigning, announced yesterday his top three priorities for the country were "keeping on the road to recovery, keeping on the road to recovery and keeping on the road to recovery". "Bugger", he adds quietly to Alastair Darling, " which f'ing way is it?".

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In a web exclusive, a local Government official has revealed a new tool in their armoury of powers to help them crack down on the UK tax payer. The airborne CCTV device, conceived by Gordon Brown while still Chancellor, is currently being trialled by a number of London Boroughs to verify council tax bandings, to check up on recycling "errors" and to observe spending behaviours. Shareholders take note, the camera, which will be able to record your home through your windows, may spark an increase in the sale of net curtains. The official commented "if you have nothing to hide then you have nothing to fear".

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Gordon Brown tries out a new technique....

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"Precious, precious, precious!" Blair cried. "My Precious! O my Precious!" And with that, even as his eyes were lifted up to gloat on his prize, he stepped too far, toppled, wavered for a moment on the brink, and then with a shriek he fell. Out of the depths came his last wail Precious, and he was gone.

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Gordon Brown receives his greeting card proofs back from the publisher

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The [Nobel] prize was invented by the Swedish industrialist and inventor of dynamite Alfred Nobel, and was first awarded in 1901. There were a record 205 nominations for this year's peace prize. Zimbabwean Prime Minister Morgan Tsvangirai and Chinese dissident Hu Jia had been among the favourites.

Instead the committee chose Mr Obama, who was inaugurated less than two weeks before the 1 February nomination deadline.

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David Cameron faces a naked heckler at the Conservative party conference in Manchester during the week.

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In a morning swoop by armed response officers a pensioner has been taken into custondy after putting her wheelie bin out on the wrong day. The offence normally carries a fixed penalty fine, however, a spokesperson for the local council was quoted to say "We have a zero tolerance policy. We will continue to be tough on crime."

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The Deputy Leader finds a new way to travel following allegations she failed to stop at the scene of a traffic accident. Witnesses allege she lowered her window, shouting "I'm Harriet Harman" as she fled the scene.

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David Miliband, the Foreign Secretary, takes a cheeky dip in the sea at Brighton beach following the end of the party conference on Friday.

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Amid growing speculation of his using prescription drugs, Gordon Brown instead reveals his new eye patch.

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A next generation speed camera is being trialled in Wiltshire. The model retains its trademark shape and coloring but is fitted with an intelligent computer chip and is part of a single robotic unit. The computer learns from statistical data and will move locations until revenue from fines hits or exceeds government targets.

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More prototype Surveillance Droids are spotted in Central London following Gordon Brown's announcement in Brighton last week.

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Yvette Cooper, Secretary of State for Work and Pensions, pictured enjoying a tipple as she celebrates payment of her latest expense claim.

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As the votes are counted in Ireland, Tony Blair is fitted for his new office of EU President.

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Ermm, Gordon, I think this might be too close to the bone.

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Gordon Brown unveils the TAX-U-01 surveillance droid at the annual Labour Party conference in Brighton. This new mobile unit is already in production in Yunnan Province, China. It is to be deployed before the end of the year to trial in Guildford, Surrey. The Star Wars like device is preprogrammed with profiling software to select and follow you, automatically relaying data back to a centralised computer where fines can be issued. It is anticipated the droid will also be used by local councils to confirm property tax bandings and to monitor household recycling.

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An ancient human-like creature that may be a direct ancestor to our species has been described by researchers.

The assessment of the 4.4-million-year-old animal called Gordon Ardipithecus Ramidus Brown is reported in the journal Science.

Even if it is not on the direct line to us, it offers new insights into how we evolved from the common ancestor we share with chimps, the team says.

Fossils of G. Ramidus Brown were first found in Parliament in 1983, but it has taken 26 years to assess their significance.

One of the lead scientists on the project, Professor Tim White from the University of California, Berkeley, said the investigation had been painstaking.

"It took us many, many years to clean the bones in Westminister and then set about to restore this skeleton to its original dimensions and form; and then study it and compare it with all the other fossils that are known from Government and elsewhere, as well as with the modern age," he told the journal.

"This is not an ordinary fossil. It's not a chimp. It's not a human. It shows us what we used to be."

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Last week it was the evil ex-employee of Asda. This week it's our own prime minister who gives in to the despicable temptation of licking his chicken.

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Although he has been wholly descredited since, Gordon Brown was once known as the Iron Chancellor. An unusual moniker given he is in fact made almost entirely from jelly, an attribute which must surely contribute to S&P's threat to downgrade the UK's credit rating.

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Gordon Brown, Hazel Blears, Liz Blackman, Kevin Brennan, Alistair Darling, Ben Chapman, Ed Balls, David Chaytor, Harry Cohen, David Miliband, Geoff Hoon, Shaun Woodward, Maria Eagle..............more

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Archive footage of Gordon Brown from the World Economic Forum.

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Bugger! The cowboy builders strike again.....

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Gordon Brown unveils plans to create 100,000 jobs in a public spending programme rumoured to include the construction of a giant Sphinx in London's Canary Wharf. The Sphinx will have a contemporary twist and is to be built with the head of Gordon Brown on the body of a lion. 

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