Gordon Brown, as part of his pre-election campaigning, announced yesterday his top three priorities for the country were "keeping on the road to recovery, keeping on the road to recovery and keeping on the road to recovery". "Bugger", he adds quietly to Alastair Darling, " which f'ing way is it?".

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In a web exclusive, a local Government official has revealed a new tool in their armoury of powers to help them crack down on the UK tax payer. The airborne CCTV device, conceived by Gordon Brown while still Chancellor, is currently being trialled by a number of London Boroughs to verify council tax bandings, to check up on recycling "errors" and to observe spending behaviours. Shareholders take note, the camera, which will be able to record your home through your windows, may spark an increase in the sale of net curtains. The official commented "if you have nothing to hide then you have nothing to fear".

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So much for Virgin superfast broadband! I've clocked mine at 192Kb. Superfast my arse!

Gordon Brown tries out a new technique....

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I use Linkedin, but I must say I find the "People you may know" section quite ridiculous. When I log in it seems to assume I am likely to know other people only on the basis we have the same name.

The noughties is almost synonymous with an age of evil. We had 9/11, the invasion of Iraq, Enron, Robbie Williams, the credit crunch, the expenses scandal, the terrorist attack in Mumbai, the Asian tsunami, Gordon Brown, 7/7, the banking crisis, Big Brother, superbugs, Swine Flu, shooting rampages at Virgina Tech, Land Rovers ..... the world is quite different, and I am not sure where I would start with my list of all the really annoying shit of the decade, but a new one begins, and (tongue in cheek) we're still making great television. Have a Happy new year, and love the world.

"Precious, precious, precious!" Blair cried. "My Precious! O my Precious!" And with that, even as his eyes were lifted up to gloat on his prize, he stepped too far, toppled, wavered for a moment on the brink, and then with a shriek he fell. Out of the depths came his last wail Precious, and he was gone.

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Gordon Brown receives his greeting card proofs back from the publisher

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Leona Lewis is punched in the head by a fellow contestant from the 2008 X Factor auditions.

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The [Nobel] prize was invented by the Swedish industrialist and inventor of dynamite Alfred Nobel, and was first awarded in 1901. There were a record 205 nominations for this year's peace prize. Zimbabwean Prime Minister Morgan Tsvangirai and Chinese dissident Hu Jia had been among the favourites.

Instead the committee chose Mr Obama, who was inaugurated less than two weeks before the 1 February nomination deadline.

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David Cameron faces a naked heckler at the Conservative party conference in Manchester during the week.

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"Mighty warriors with mighty swords, shiny helmets and shield bosses
We sail over the crimosn sea seeking plunder in Angle land.."

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In a morning swoop by armed response officers a pensioner has been taken into custondy after putting her wheelie bin out on the wrong day. The offence normally carries a fixed penalty fine, however, a spokesperson for the local council was quoted to say "We have a zero tolerance policy. We will continue to be tough on crime."

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The Deputy Leader finds a new way to travel following allegations she failed to stop at the scene of a traffic accident. Witnesses allege she lowered her window, shouting "I'm Harriet Harman" as she fled the scene.

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David Miliband, the Foreign Secretary, takes a cheeky dip in the sea at Brighton beach following the end of the party conference on Friday.

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Amid growing speculation of his using prescription drugs, Gordon Brown instead reveals his new eye patch.

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A next generation speed camera is being trialled in Wiltshire. The model retains its trademark shape and coloring but is fitted with an intelligent computer chip and is part of a single robotic unit. The computer learns from statistical data and will move locations until revenue from fines hits or exceeds government targets.

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More prototype Surveillance Droids are spotted in Central London following Gordon Brown's announcement in Brighton last week.

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Yvette Cooper, Secretary of State for Work and Pensions, pictured enjoying a tipple as she celebrates payment of her latest expense claim.

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As the votes are counted in Ireland, Tony Blair is fitted for his new office of EU President.

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Ermm, Gordon, I think this might be too close to the bone.

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Gordon Brown unveils the TAX-U-01 surveillance droid at the annual Labour Party conference in Brighton. This new mobile unit is already in production in Yunnan Province, China. It is to be deployed before the end of the year to trial in Guildford, Surrey. The Star Wars like device is preprogrammed with profiling software to select and follow you, automatically relaying data back to a centralised computer where fines can be issued. It is anticipated the droid will also be used by local councils to confirm property tax bandings and to monitor household recycling.

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An ancient human-like creature that may be a direct ancestor to our species has been described by researchers.

The assessment of the 4.4-million-year-old animal called Gordon Ardipithecus Ramidus Brown is reported in the journal Science.

Even if it is not on the direct line to us, it offers new insights into how we evolved from the common ancestor we share with chimps, the team says.

Fossils of G. Ramidus Brown were first found in Parliament in 1983, but it has taken 26 years to assess their significance.

One of the lead scientists on the project, Professor Tim White from the University of California, Berkeley, said the investigation had been painstaking.

"It took us many, many years to clean the bones in Westminister and then set about to restore this skeleton to its original dimensions and form; and then study it and compare it with all the other fossils that are known from Government and elsewhere, as well as with the modern age," he told the journal.

"This is not an ordinary fossil. It's not a chimp. It's not a human. It shows us what we used to be."

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Last week it was the evil ex-employee of Asda. This week it's our own prime minister who gives in to the despicable temptation of licking his chicken.

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TV labrador Ben Fogle is back on the box this week while he continues to film his new show "extreme sex", to be aired later in the year. Ben, a word to the wise, try to bring some tissues. This show looks as if it has no chance of getting on before nine.

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"The farmer took a liking to the cow", the tractor driver explained, "and put the cow to calf". "What!" I thought, as I sat in the trailer during the tour around Northney Farm, "What a filthy beast!". I suppose the next thing I hear will be the attack on David Blunkett by a cow was over a long standing paternity dispute.

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My name has an apostrophe. This precludes me from being quoted for car insurance on quotezone. Apostrophes are not allowed. I can only be quoted if I make up the surname or leave the apostrophe out alltogether. Such nonsense! Don't they like the 'Oirish'?

Virgin Media. No broadband. No TV. The engineer was booked for between 8am and noon on Saturday. If I missed the slot Virgin were going to charge me a £10 penalty. For a bank holiday there were other things I would rather be doing but the frustration of being without, erm... really not good.

At 9:30am the phone rings. It's customer service, the engineer has called in sick. No one else is available. This is taking the piss. Called in sick on a bank holiday? Guess what he's been up to. I have no choice but to reschedule.

Given Virgin Media were going to charge me a tenner, shouldn't I be entitled to do the same as they missed their slot? Maybe this would provide an incentive for the company to start providing a proper level of customer service. What a prick of an engineer. What do you think I should do?

Although he has been wholly descredited since, Gordon Brown was once known as the Iron Chancellor. An unusual moniker given he is in fact made almost entirely from jelly, an attribute which must surely contribute to S&P's threat to downgrade the UK's credit rating.

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Gordon Brown, Hazel Blears, Liz Blackman, Kevin Brennan, Alistair Darling, Ben Chapman, Ed Balls, David Chaytor, Harry Cohen, David Miliband, Geoff Hoon, Shaun Woodward, Maria Eagle..............more

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The 2nd of May and the Express Delivery package Amazon shipped on the 16th April still hasn't been delivered. It seems to be lost in Cork by UPS, even though their tracking screen still shows the package being scanned in every morning. 

Looking at the long list of dates - UPS may as well wave a red rag in front of me. Unbelievably, I even sent them a Google map and they still couldn't deliver. I sent Amazon the same map. They replied to me with a very automated response, and then seem to have done nothing at all. A week passed and despite their claim to be "building Earth's most customer-centric company" I hear nothing at all. They don't seem to have picked up the phone to give UPS a kick in the rectum or to let me know what's going on. 

Having had enough I cancel the order and take the opportunity to make a complaint to Amazon. Mohanraj, at Customer Service, advises me the delivery "reflects negatively upon Amazon.co.uk and the feedback that you have provided will be used in reviewing the service provided by UPS. I have forwarded your comments to relevant department and they will investigate the issue."

Translation: nothing will happen and I certainly don't expect to hear any outcome. Interestingly, no reference is made to Amazon's own customer service failings and in not following up with UPS after my earlier enquiries, nor updating me at any stage.

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Archive footage of Gordon Brown from the World Economic Forum.

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UPS deliver 15.5 million packages and documents daily to more than two hundred countries and claim to be able to deliver to every address in Europe and North America. In using them, my intention was not to test the assertion, but instead to deliver a package to my Dad in time for his birthday. Actually, I didn't have a choice. I bought a book on Amazon and selected priority delivery.

The package should have arrived next day, but over a week later and it still hasn't arrived. The driver couldn't find the address. Seemingly unquestioned by a supervisor, the driver marked the package up with " incorrect address".

This address is one of those saved on Amazon and has been delivered to umpteen times before. Nothwithstanding this, if you actually type it into Google Maps, it's clearly displayed. In fact, astonishingly, I went to the trouble of saving a google map with the address pin pointed and sent it through to UPS support. They responded to say they've forwarded the email "to the relevant department", but the package still hasn't arrived. Is it me or does good customer service seem to be a thing of the past? A company reaches a certain size and they couldn't give a monkey's about your business any more. They're too focussed on the share price. Or are the staff in Cork sitting around eating peanuts?

Where's my effin package?

They still can't bake! They boast an instore bakery, but I don't, for one minute, believe a proper Baker would produce the product below and try to sell it on to an unwitting consumer at full price. I bought a pack of two Pain au Raisons, brewed a fresh cup of coffee and bit into one. It was dry and didn't taste right. Turning it over explained why, as you can see from the picture below on the right. The blackened, charred bottom is clearly visible. I paid full price for this, or actually, I should say I was overcharged for this, and thereby, unwittingly, contributed to Tesco's £3bn profit as I didn't return to Tesco to complain and ask for a refund.

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Bugger! The cowboy builders strike again.....

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Gordon Brown unveils plans to create 100,000 jobs in a public spending programme rumoured to include the construction of a giant Sphinx in London's Canary Wharf. The Sphinx will have a contemporary twist and is to be built with the head of Gordon Brown on the body of a lion. 

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Come here Darling, screw the economy, pucker up and kiss me. I know you want it....

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Today I had the joy of having to sit behind an eejit in a Volvo S40 on the A3 who continued driving in the fast lane even though there were no other cars to overtake. There were distances of up to half a mile between cars in the middle lane, ample room to pull in, but he didn't. He was obviously one of the soft heads who thinks his rightful position is in the fast lane, at the top of the Q.

I had a few options

1. undertake
2. flash headlights
3. begin tailgating

I am not a fan of either of these options, and was stupid enough to think common sense might prevail. The bonehead would look in his rear view mirror and make way. But being bereft of common sense he didn't do that and I should have undertaken him.

This is the same type of eejit that comes off a slip road and makes an immediate beeline for the fast lane even though their acceleration is never going to match the speed of existing traffic. And the type of eejit who waits until the very last moment to try and cut across lanes to make it to the exit, applying their brakes suddenly, usually in both fast and middle lanes in their hurry to get off in time.

This shit will represent nothing less than a sea-change

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Erm, Gordon, are you sure you understand the concept of "social mobility"?

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I thought this might be the smallest blog post in the world but I remembered Blacksheep already won the blog awards in that category for his blog which contained no content at all. That untitled blog, which his harshest critics lambasted as being an error, also, controversially, won best punctuation and spelling for a blog.

And, as if that wasn't enough hardware for the night, his blog also won first place for best regional submission from an area around Maynooth. Fans admire the blog post for its nihilistic candour and have even drawn parallels to the ground breaking conceptual artist, Marcel Duchamp.

For me, I think he made an error, was too eager with the return key. I can't even link direct to the blank post as the lack of title means it can't be indexed, but enough about the blog awards, I want to talk about shirts.

Why is it when you buy a non iron shirt the first thing you have to do is iron it to take the creases out?

Gordon's economic relaunch suffers another setback as his solution to the energy crisis receives a less than enthusiastic response during consumer trials in Hackney. The Prime Minister, determined to do the right thing, delivered fire to local households faced with fuel poverty, advising them to refrigerate, to make the fire last longer.

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Undaunted by losing the battle with the energy companies to fund a cash rebate to the needy, Gordon Brown demonstrates a new plan to help pensioners stay warm this winter in the face of huge increases in energy bills.

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Ex-minister David Blunkett is pictured below trying to raise the dead and return them to work to pay for his ministerial pension and the largesse of final salary public sector pensions.

While the retired civil servants will be happy playing garden bowls, the rest of us mugs will have to spend our childrens inheritance trying to stay warm and keep up with inflation and, the best part, continue working until we collapse. Read the BBC News story.

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No sure, but here's Alistair Darling as he pauses from his busy schedule for a bite of lunch, traditional fish and chips by the looks of it.

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Phew, a sigh of relief at Number 10 as Alistair Darling remembers to turn up for work with his head.

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Tuesday: Having had his relaunch sunk by Alistair Darling, Gordon Brown comes up with another clever strategy.

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Speaking to the BBC yesterday, Jack Straw, likened the current economic climate to an airplane passing through tubulence. Mr Straw, in an effort to limit the damage caused by Alistair Darlings irresponsible interview with the Guardian, continued with his aviation anology, to ask "The question for the country is who is better to take us through this turbulent period? Is it an experienced pilot and co-pilot in Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling.. or is it David Cameron and George Osborne?"

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Rather than demonstrating any sense of grit or financial leadership, Alistair Darling, in his exclusive interview with the Guardian, basically tells us we're screwed. Is there any optimism in his outlook? No, in fact, he suggests the economic downturn is "going to be more profound and long-lasting than people thought", and assesses that the economy is "arguably the worst [its] been in 60 years".

These disclosures won't do anything but further decrease consumer confidence and contribute to a continuing economic decline, in the same way his chance remarks about temporarily suspending stamp duty stopped the housing market dead.

Way to go Alistair!

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I find it quite ridiculous that I can visit a National Nature Reserve and not be able to stay there to enjoy it because I don't have £1 in coins to pay the parking charge. I had 60p which I fed in to the parking meter only to be prompted with a digital message asking me to "Pay More".

With £100 in notes, a debit card and a mobile phone I gladly would have - if there was the facility to do so. But there isn't, so the choice is to either turn around and go home or face the prospect of being fined and clamped, no doubt, by a contracted out cowboy service.

At first I thought Butser Hill in the South Downs was owned by the National Trust, but they promptly emailed back to say it was Natural England. I contacted them, both to vent my annoyance and to ask had they any plans to update their parking system.

A spokesperson from NE responded:

"Most NNrs are managed by Natural England but some are managed by other approved bodies. Butser Hill is one of these and part of the site is within the Queen Elizabeth Park, run by Hampshire Country Council."

The email included contact details to address my enquiry to, which I did. A respondent from the Council later answered:

"Hi, thanks for the e-mail. I had already seen a copy passed on by a colleague in Natural England.

Firstly, I am sorry that your visit was not an enjoyable one.

With regard to the parking at Queen Elizabeth Country Park, the whole area is covered by an Off-Street Parking Order and as such our visitors are required to pay a nominal amount for their parking... The O/SPO has to be enforced as per any similar scheme and Park staff will issue excess charge tickets where necessary. "

The email continued suggesting "If on your next visit you are in need of change for the pay and display machines then please do come to the Park Centre, open 7 days per week, and we will happily provide it."

There is no Park Centre at Butser Hill, nor is there any notice in the car park pointing the way to the Park Centre located in the Queen Elizabeth Country Park, a couple of miles away. And I still didn't really have my question answered so I asked again. This time a better response from Hampshire Council:

"The Forestry Commission is currently testing a cash less credit card based system at Alice Holt which we will be watching with interest. We are also soon to errect a new set of large fingerposts based up at the kiosk [at Butser Hill]. This will help with orientation about the Country Park, both to the east and west of the A3."

Boris Johnson, London Mayor, has had his head shaved today to help raise additional funding for the 2012 Olympics. Unexpectedly, under his trademark blonde bouffant was revealed an astonishing birthmark, similar to the warnings found on supermarket grocery packaging.

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Gordon Brown, pictured on his way to a fancy dress party at the weekend, is more "Robbin' Hood" than "Robin Hood". He is the Prince of thieves, just look at the headlines -

• Labours latest stealth tax hits 11.7M drivers
• £520 NI 'Stealth tax' if you earn £40,000
• This stealth tax on our dustbins
• Stamp duty 'Stealth tax' creeps up on house buyers
• The £100bn stealth tax he hoped we'd never notice
• Council tax increases send household bills soaring above £3,000
• New taxes look bad for business
• The 10% rate and low-income households
• ....
• Need I go on?

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At Fishers Farm in Sussex I got very confused by the animals during a visit last weekend. A case in point was the horse pictured below. If it weren't for the sign advising me not to feed the horses I would have definitely classified this animal as some kind of goat! Just shows you how little I know about the countryside.

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While going through the monthly exercise of shredding all the junk mail the banks, credit card and insurance companies pile through our letter boxes I find a letter from Tesco Insurance saying they have automatically renewed my home insurance. I need do no more!

The letter says:

My first thought was "I've been had", my second was, why did Tesco store my bank details for the year? My third thought was, look at the premium - £456.75. This is over two and a half times more expensive than the cheapest quote I had received for a comparable policy, from Swinton.

My fourth thought was, I'll never use these cowboys again, how can they get away with it - and try to pass it off as though they're doing me a favour and being done in the name of high standards?

What'll it be next? Will I find some of the staff in my living room opening a bottle of wine. "We decided to help ourselves, every little helps!"

The BBC headline read "Brown brings mystery to festival." Of course, this isn't the only place he brings mystery. Although better known for his sleight of hand, Gordan is currently making houses disappear at an alarming rate throughout the UK.

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"I don't think the British people have ever been broken by anything or anyone." says Gordon Brown in an Interview with Ian Rankin at the Edinburgh book festival. Read the story here.

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"Britain is basically a decent, compassionate society", says Prime Minister Gordon Brown.

Yeah, right!

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In a seafood salad purchased from Tesco I found the diminutive monster circled below clung to the side of a prawn, perhaps feeding. Like I'm going to eat it now! How annoying!

Under the microscope I thought the creature bore a a slight resemblance to Tesco CEO, Sir Terry Leahy, but it may have been a trick of the light. Gosh, I hope he's not doing anything despicable on the food.

I couldn't quite think of the caption for the picture below. Any suggestions? It depicts Gordon Brown and Harriet enjoying happier days in each others company at No. 10 - before he went on holidays! 

You know, I heard they even had their own song. It's that one from Martene McCutchen. Remember her? Eastenders. And I'm sure you've seen her in Faces. What was it called, "This is my moment.", or something like that?

I'm sure I have a weak regulator to thank for shafting the consumer and limiting my choice in the area so I have to endure three trips to Tesco in the week, one to the supermarket, one to the Tesco convenience shop and one to the Tesco petrol station.

All three had their own dissatisfied tale to tell about Tesco Customer Service.....

1. At the supermarket the groceries were being scanned as if it were the new speed event in the 2012 Olympics. As I struggled, near defeat, with separating plastic bags and trying to pack, the cashier was finished and was now busy texting on her mobile phone, completely oblivious to me.

2. At the partly flooded convenience shop I bought a chicken ceaser wrap. The cashier seemed to clear a bonus of £2 from the transaction. I handed him £4, and watched as he registered £2 cash received on the till. What happened to the other £2?

3. At the petrol station - I wrote about this earlier - a queue even though there are free pumps. What are the staff doing? From the corner of my eye I observe a manager emerge from the nearby supermarket. He takes a closer look, albeit at long distance, at the queue and scuttles back inside the supermarket. What do the staff do? Nothing!

I think the petrol stations are designed to work without supervision. When I finally make it inside to pay the two chuckling cashiers decide to swap tills while us customers wait.

Going to Tesco gets you in such a bad mood! Grrrrrrr......

I probably wouldn't mind queueing for petrol if there was a shortage, but to end up in a queue for no reason at all is absolutely infuriating. There are free pumps, but we're sitting in a queue. All because there are a group of boneheads who insist on waiting for the pump to be on the same side as their petrol cap.

It makes no bloody difference! The pump will reach. You can use any pump.

To demonstrate the point, below is a picture of me filling my car up with the petrol cap "on the wrong side". Quite clearly there is loads of room.

Having made it to Uhuru Peak, Africa's highest point, the last thing I expected was to almost lose an eye. Yet this very nearly happened as some eejit wedged a metal plate into the sign that marks the peak, to hang a memento on. As the plate is at eye level it's invisible. I turned right into it, and caught my eye..

Should I be surprised? No. Tourists the world over do some extraordinary and really annoying shit. You can't let them out you know. The most annoying for me was a young woman posing on an Ahu, one of the sacred platforms for the Easter Island Moai, for an entire afternoon, just obstructing the view without a care for anyone else. That was annoying, but chipping a piece from a Moai ear to retain as a keepsake as a Finnish tourist did this year - that's just plain shit..

And speaking of which, in the Atacama desert, one of the magical places of the world, a tourist ruined the natural rock formation known as the three Maria's when he climbed up on one of the figures for a photo shoot and broke it. Way to go ass#*le!

The following clip of a Geordie buying shoes was emailed to me last week. It seems to have been recorded off the TV, but I can't make out the channel. One thing is for sure, I wouldn't like to be the Shop Assistant.

Watch out guys, if you have been adding Activia to your shopping basket you could be accused of being a gay or a girl. This yogurt is as feminine as tampons and panty liners. This was lost on me until I saw the current TV advert for the product which alienates male consumers by using the words "every female" instead of "everyone" in the sentence "I have every female in my family eating it".

The message is simple. It's a girls product. Guys don't eat it. I am a guy, I shouldn't eat Activia yogurt. I wrote to Danone for clarity. A spokeswoman from the UK Danone Careline responded to my email saying it was "fine for men as well". Rather than being assured, the reply made me more apprehensive as it read more like "you shouldn't have any side effects you freak".

I have dropped Activia from my shopping list since seeing the advert. The email did not attempt to get it back on there. I guess men eating Activia is something they can't be seen to condone. If you are male and eat Activia consult a specialist, you need help.

The response from Danone:

Good afternoon

Thank you for your e-mail. Activia is fine for men as well as women.

The core target audience for Activia is women aged 30-45+. This is why we advertise with women only, around this age. We are aware that men also consume Activia, but understand this is low compared to the number of female consumers; hence our advertising is targeted at women. We have not ruled out men in advertising and this is something we may do in the future.

Gordon Brown is looking a bit arse about face over this 10p tax rate.

Marks & Spencer don’t have a plan B. They do have a Plan A, and Plan A is all about tackling "some of the biggest challenges facing ..... the world".

Their eco-marketing literature says we’ll see them work with "customers .... to combat climate change". As part of the plan they’re introducing a 5p charge for plastic bags from the 6th of May, to help reduce the amount sent to landfill. Until then, every shopper will get a free bag for life with their food purchases.

I got one yesterday. It was handed to me, neatly folded, after I finished packing my purchases into the environmentally damaging plastic.

Pardon me for stating the "bleedin" obvious – but shouldn’t the free bag be handed out first – are you really serious about Plan A, or is this just more marketing to mug the consumer?

Mayor Ken Livingston, posing outside City Hall, as he promotes his plan to create a beach on London's South Bank; an urban beach to rival the Plage in Paris.

Ooops, did Ken accidentally forget to put on his Speedos? Uh la la!

Why are old sheets and pieces of cardboard beginning to replace the traditional birthday card? Hang them up on a fence at the bottom of the road or over a bridge. They'll be so excited when they see their birthday sheet!

I'm an Orange mobile customer for over ten years. In that time I have had one phone upgrade, and a lot of very expensive bills. The phone upgrade didn't last long. It was an Ericsson T28s which didn't allow you to speak. You'd dial a number and could hear the person on the other end answer hello before hanging up. I remember walking into an Orange Retail Shop on Oxford Street only to be told they couldn't help as the Orange shops were seperate. Great Service!

If you don't upgrade your phones you're meant to get a discount. I've never had one. Occassionally my monthly bills top a £100. Am I on the right plan? Who knows, all this marketing gibberish about Dolphins, Racoons and Panthers is just too confusing.

In any case, the issue is international calls which are normally out of plan and where the Mobile companies rake it in.

If I'm away in Cork it's 38pence a minute to make a call, 19pence a minute to receive a call and 25pence to send a text message. From the UK I call Irish mobiles and at the end of every month I am left with unused minutes and unused texts which only roll over a month. Orange keep the rest.

The good news, I found a way to do it for free. All I get charged is a local rate call which gets swallowed up in the unused minutes I lose every month. Mobiles in all the countries listed below can be called for free...

Ireland, USA, Autralia, South Africa, Canada, Belgium, China, France, Spain, Argentina, Austria, Bahrain, Brazil, Bulgaria, Chile, Cyprus, Czech Republic, Denmark, Estonia, Finland, Norway, Germany, Hungary, Israel, Italy, Japan, Latvia, Luxembourg, Mexico, Lithuania, Netherlands, New Zealand, Peru, Poland, Romania, Slovnia, Skovakia, Sweden, Switzerland, Turkey, UK

The company doing this are called Rebtel. With a name like this they should come from Cork, but they don't. They're based in Stockholm, and it's easy to get started.

Next thing I need to find is how to make free or very low costs txts, anyone out there in Neverland know the answer?

Eating out should be a treat.

At Cafe Rouge, about five minutes from Brighton's seafront, early on Saturday evening, people were being turned away because there were no tables.

They were lucky.

This would have been anything but a treat.

The service at Cafe Rouge was so bad I think it is the first restaurant I ever walked out of without leaving a tip.

We waited an hour for the Salade de al mer, a main course which, unbelievably, was smaller than the side salad. Is it a main course, or have we been mugged and served a starter portion?

There is no one to ask. We can’t even order another drink as there is no service. Not once did anyone visit the table to see how things were.

Having waited twenty minutes for a coffee I complained about the children’s meal. There was no banana. The waiter didn’t seem to understand.

I cancelled the coffee. Just bring me the bill, I hissed.

People were still being turned away. Not because the place was so busy, but because the service was so abysmal.

Outside I look back, take out my camera and photograph the facade. I make a mental note: never return, dissuade anyone from going.

M&S share price has dipped again after news the retailer issued 70,000 to 800,000 20% discount vouchers to employees and pensioners in an attempt to boost trading. Sales are still down since Christmas, and while it may be convenient to blame consumer confidence or "tough trading conditions" or interest rates, where M&S are concerned, other controllable factors are clearly contributing to the decline. In fact, if you have the vouchers, there is every possibility they'll still be in your pocket at the end of the day.

Take their clothing. Last weekend I visited M&S at Hedge End. Out of a large selection of suits there were actually only two choices. One,a grey city pin, had the right jacket size but not the right trouser size. For the other, the complete opposite. They had the right trouser size but not the jacket. Are there any sales assistants?

I wait for one. I give up and wander away to another section. I come back. I wait. I give up again. I overhear an old dear confide to her friend "they used to do fantastic stuff in M&S but they seem to have stopped doing it for some reason". I couldn't make up this comment. I come back. I wait. Finally, after about fifteen minutes, a sales assistant appears only to say "We don't keep stock Sir. Just whats on the rails. We can order it in for you?."

Order it in? Great! Shall I just wait here for three days, by the changing room? I leave. Next day I visit M&S in Portsmouth. Unbelievably, in the grey pin suit, they have the right trousers but not the right jacket size. It's Sunday trading, so I have no chance of making it back to Hedge End before closing to get a full set.

During the week, as I still need a suit, I interrupt my commute home and get out at Oxford Circus. I walk to Marble Arch, home to the largest M&S store in the UK. Inside, I have to give right of way to a sales assistant before going up the escalator to Mens. Rails and Rails of suits to walk passed. Their biggest store in the UK, a huge choice of suits, but still the same issue. You can't get a complete set.

Tough trading conditions. Don't give me that cow crap, when the buying conditions are impossible!

Tesco have added a wall of diy tools to its Express in Port Solent as it continues to expand and expand and expand. I went in to do some quick grocery shopping, but what an effort! Firstly, there were no baskets by the door and I had to literally hunt one down. None at checkout one. None at checkout two. None at checkout three. What the f_ck, did they send them all out on a training course! Finally, I find one lone basket at checkout nine.

You know I read recently that well over 50% of the people who shop at Tesco find it irritating. I'm sure the rest find it really annoying. Half the aisles are littered with packaging and there just seems to be no pride in keeping the place clean.

No pride. What's this? Pizza Express pizzas dated the 13th. That's three days ago, and they are still on sale at full price. Now that's just taking the piss!

It is to become compulsory for 11 to 14 year olds to be able "to cook a tomato sauce" announced Ed Balls, School Secretary, as he introduced new labour plans to tackle obesity. The Government will fund the training of eight hundred new cookery teachers in the next two to three years making practical cooking skills part of the national curriculum from 2011. Students will be able to "do shepherds pie, or chilli con carne ... or do a simple curry", he continued, while inviting members of the public to suggest healthy, easy to prepare dishes. (Ed, how about Tomato Sauce?)

Critics of the scheme point out the fact that physical activities aren't compulsory, and physical exercise may be more effective in fighting obesity trends among the young.

Meanwhile, a giant picture of Gordon Brown was delivered to Downing Street today for approval by the PM. It's rumoured the image will be permanently displayed on London Bridge, in a similar way to the portrait of Chairman Mao in the Forbidden City, Beijing.

The monster reaches out his huge hand....

Home affairs committee chairman, Keith Vaz, speaking during yesterdays question time said the government are likely to press ahead with national ID cards and were going to pilot the scheme this year by issuing them to foreigners entering the country. Press ahead? Of course they are. The Identity Cards Bill received Royal Assent in March 2006, and the UK passport office became the IPS (Identity and Passport Service) on 1st April 2006. The IPS website is unequivocal in saying the "National Identity Scheme will eventually become compulsory". The scheme will be obligatory for British, Irish and foreign nationals resident in the UK.

The ID cards will contain biometric data which will also be stored on a national database with other personal details. This data is being termed our  "biographical footprint" which the government will keep and track. The scheme is being packaged up as though it were for our benefit, but the benefits listed on the IPS website are really pretty lame.

The cards will cost £30 each. With a population of 60million this will raise £1.8billion which will pay for extra public sector staff to run the scheme, and another public sector IT project to build the database. Are you comfortable with this? Would you have preferred this to have been spent on the NHS? Does the government have a good track record of storing data? Do you trust them with your "biographical footprint"?

I don't! And what's coming next? A CCTV camera in every home?

32 dead horses were discovered in Amersham, Bucks at the weekend. Three other animals were in such poor condition they had to be put down, while the remaining stock of eighty were being taken to sanctuaries rather than the meat hooks they were destined for. Conditions at the site were described as "utterly horrific" with horses being tied up in small pens and standing in their own excrement.

So what's the problem? They're animals! There are plenty of starving people in Africa who'd be happy to eat them! This probably isn't a response you'd expect, but would it be more acceptable if I was talking about chickens?

They live for thirty nine days, never see natural light, constantly feed to make their commercial weight, are overcrowded, get painful lesions on their legs from sitting in their own faeces ("hock burns"), and are starved for eight hours on their last day to have a clean gut before ending up on our shelves in Tesco at two for a fiver.

This is the story Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall has been describing on Channel 4 this week as he tried to convert  Axminster into Britain's first free range town. His experimental chicken farm contrasted differences in welfare, and in taste, between factory reared and free range. The free range chickens, he said, are "out here in the grass, doing what chickens want to do."

I would like to think, and I'm probably in the majority,  the surviving horses in Amersham would have a similar fate and were free to run around a field, but when it comes to chickens people just don't seem to feel the same. They're chickens, they'll buy two for a fiver.

I'm actually in denial it's the new year.  It can't really have passed by that quickly. They've missed out on some of the months. They must have done. Was there an April? And what about October, I don't remember there being an October?

I do remember The Rise of the Silver Surfer, the disappearance of Madeline, demolishing the garden shed, and a few other things really got my goat during the year, but here's my top ten....

1. Gordon Brown
   Continuing to annoy me. He became Prime Minister, bottled an election, quietly signed the Lisbon treaty passing further powers away to the EU, promised a government of "all the talents" then lost the personal details of 25million people, had a party funding scandal, pledged an end to spin while in the same breath claiming to have reduced the rate of corporation tax (not quite, there was an increase for small companies - the so called backbone of the economy). The Tories say he's the wrong man, but of course they would, wouldn't they! 
2. Carbon footprint
   In 2007 our carbon footprints became big business. The Chancellor has been rubbing his hands in glee at the prospect of being able to introduce new types of taxes, and companies have been dressing in floral prints designed by their marketers. This latest fashion of "social responsibility" is being paraded on the catwalk in front of us mug consumers. Meanwhile there seems to be a whole body of evidence accumulating to suggest man-made C02 plays only a minor, insignificant role in climate change. When trying to finds the facts on Google I found instead near Freudian hysteria and contributions from people who seem to think they're in a movie. The consequences of man-made climate change, wrote one budding actor, will be "worse, much much worse......eventual extinction".
3. Nobel Peace Prize
   In keeping with "the year of the footprint" this year the Nobel Prize for Peace was shared between an organisation and Al Gore. They each get half a prize " for their efforts to build up and disseminate greater knowledge about man-made climate change, and to lay the foundations for the measures that are needed to counteract such change".  Why did Al Gore get a prize for his video? There's even doubts it was actually true, like, get down to the bookies - there may yet be a chance of Jeremy Clarkson winning in 2008 for his continued work on Top Gear.
4. Virgin Media
   Launched on February 14th, V-Day. Steve Burch, CEO of NTL, was quoted at the time as saying "Virgin Media will shake up the market by bringing the Virgin traditions of value-for-money, brilliant customer service and innovation to the world of entertainment and communications."  However, a bungled negotiation with BSkyB led to the loss of popular channels such as Sky 1, Sky News, Sky 2, Sky Travel, Sky 3.... 40,000 customers fled in the first three months, perhaps they knew the virgin traditions of "value for money, brilliant customer service and innovation" are a branding screen thrown up to hide a normal company. They don't mean anything. Did we see our TV charges reduce with less channels? No. Did we see phone charges increase? Yes Sir we did!
5. Windows Vista
   The biggest technological disappointment of 2007 despite an R&D bill of £10bn, Windows Vista, actually seems to be an operating system designed for teenagers to help organise their media files. It seems a ridiculous use of hardware to spend on unnecessarily indexing every file and on fancy graphics like transparency which don't add anything and, in fact,  hamper the experience.  First set of tasks to do if you're a consumer stuck with Vista and you can't return it - turn off windows sidebar, un-tick all files in Indexing options, change update settings, change control panel to classic view, change start menu to classic, and yes, download open office as you won't be able to use Excel. 
6. HMRC
   It doesn't look like we'll ever see a video podcast or a YouTube channel explaining the ongoing delays to VAT applications which continued throughout 2007. The HMRC website, now in 2008, still displays the same notice since 2006, "Please be aware we are currently experiencing processing delays with both paper and online applications".  Applications can take up to six months to process, clearly inconveniencing small business. No practical guidance is given by HMRC on what to do during this lengthy application period. They just don't care, they're opening premise - "everyone's a crook" - guides all policy.
7. Tesco
   What's Tesco becoming? On my last visit of 2007 to Tesco Express in Port Solent my conclusion was a village. It has it's own pharmacy, a Costa Coffee, a supermarket, what appears to be an Argos, a department store, a Krispy Kreme Doughnut, and an opticians. The trouble is the supermarket is a mess, boxes on the ground, empty shelves, off products and staff pushing cages everywhere. You have to literally dodge the cages because they can't see what's in front when they're pushing. And there are plans to add a dentist practice to this village. I'd actually prefer if they brought in another supermarket chain, a company that knows how to run a supermarket, because Tesco seem to have forgotten.
8. Celebrity Rehab
   Britney Spears, Amy Winehouse, Pete Doherty, Lyndsay Lohan et al, all seemingly gone off the rails. They go into rehab, they come out, they get drunk or spaced, get pictured without their underwear, get spaced, go into rehab, and it's all front page news. I'm just not intersted. Why can't they just get a grip?
9. Open Season on the Games
   The 2012 logo was launched on Monday the 4th of  June and was almost instantly and unanimously derided (including by me). The jagged, graffiti design was likened to Lisa Simpson performing a lewd sex act. Within three days almost 50,000 people signed an online petition calling for the logo to be scrapped, an animated version had to be pulled from broadcast over fears the effects cause epileptic seizure. It was open season on "the Games", all year in fact, the underlying theme being, it's being run by a bunch of incompetents who don't know what they're doing. It'll be wrong and over budget. Guffaw! How could they forget the VAT? See point six above on HMRC, who in the end decided they couldn't register.
10. Big Brother
    Following the celebrity Big Brother race row, the ugly bullying of Shilpa Shetty, and Carphone Warehouse withdrawing sponsorship for the programme, we quietly hoped 2007 would be the last year of Big Brother. But no, it's continued....

Happy New Year and God bless for 2008

As 2008 begins, and the first day of commuting misfires with overrunning engineering works, I've compiled my list of the most annoying attributes of, or the reasons to avoid using, public transport. 

1. Mental Health Patients
   You won't find these in your car, so the number one reason to avoid public transport is having one of the UK's early released mental health patients in the same carriage as you. You know they've been left out early and are not taking medication as they're bare foot wearing sandals in December so there is no hiding their freakish yeti feet as they pace the carriage in a confused circle, scratching their beard. What are they going to do next, make a lunge for someone with a knife?
2. Ringtones
   When the "Mission Impossible" ringtone goes off people don't turn heads to look in admiration at the cool guy. If they turn around at all it's to look at the "knob head" who needs a ringtone to validate their personality. And of course, it isn't limited to "Mission Impossible", there's a whole industry built around downloading ringtones, some, like the crazy frog, specifically designed to be annoying. A 2007 research paper by the World Health Organisation into the long term ill effects of noise exposure suggested 3% of deaths from coronary heart disease were caused by chronic noise exposure. I wonder how many of these were on the overland to Waterloo? For 2008 put in on vibrate, your ringtone won't really be "the envy of your mates" as the advertising might suggest.
3. iPods / MP3's
   Played too loudly and you can overhear this awful tinny sound. It's just more noise adding to the coronary heart disease statistics. You can't hear a tune. The noise however, becomes even more aggravating if the person wearing the iPod starts "getting on down" to the music by nodding their head or tapping their foot - even more so if they're middle aged.
4. The smell of a McDonalds
   Number four in the list is the smell pervading the carriage as someone sits there and horses down a happy meal while you suffocate with the stink. You have to switch to breathing through the mouth. At times like this you would gladly turn into a 19th Century dandy or Russell Brand look-alike and produce, with a flourish, a scented kerchief from your sleeve to wave under your nose. This would also insulate you from the smell of clothes left to dry in a wet bundle, body odour, Lynx or someone's silent CO2 emission.
5. It's just too crowded
   Why do some people still insist on reading their newspaper when you're literally crushed together and can't move. They will still try to turn the pages literally within a half inch or less of your nose. 
6. Mobile Phones
   Their second appearance in my list of reasons to avoid public transport and use your car. I'm not sure which is worse, sitting in ear shot of someone going on and on in short story long mode or someone loudly soliloquising on their mobile as if the carriage were their theatre. They talk so they can be overheard. It doesn't matter who's on the other side, this is about the speaker and the other commuters in the carriage. It's as if they want to "be the envy of the other commuters". 
7. People talking in the morning
   It shouldn't be allowed. In the morning we want to sit in silence with our own thoughts and not be irritated by any early morning chatter, particularly when combined with laughter. And have you noticed, those talking seem to be doing so unnecessarily loudly?
8. Overrunning engineering works
   The first working day of 2008 backfires as overrunning engineering works close Liverpool Street station and lead to two hour delays on a main England to Scotland route. We're advised the work should have been completed. Very helpful! Meanwhile fares are due to increase by another 10%
9. Undertaking on the escalators
   We're all familiar with road rage, but in 2007 I was one bit lip away from being involved in the first incidence of escalator rage. We all know, other than the occasional gaggle of tourists, that there are two lanes on the escalator. On the right you stand, on the left you hurry by. But even this isn't quick enough for some. A gap in the slow lane and someone will dart out form behind you, overtake and push back in in front, even though you're jogging down the escalator yourself.. 
10. Public Nose picking
    As you watch in unbelief, out in public, surrounded by other people, and without a tissue or handkerchief in sight they'll start to pick their nose. Don't they realise where they are? Don't they realise they're out in public? You worry. What are they going to do next? Wipe it off the seat, flick it somewhere. Ugh!.
11. Lack of spatial awareness
    This is particularly for those who wear bulky bags or backpacks on their backs and still obliviously turn in a confined space so the bag knocks into everyone. It's also for those who seem determined to obstruct the exit or entrance or who form a jostling human barricade to block your exit from the train onto the platform. They get on before you have time to get off, they shout out "can you move down please" even though people are stuffed in as it is.....
12. Slamming carriage doors
    Why do some people board the train on the last carriage and then proceed to walk through all the carriages, slamming the doors until they get to the first carriage. This is as confusing for me as those who take five to ten minutes to check in at an airport. 
13. Fast Trains
    Whenever I do get one of these it's overtaken by the slow train and seems to crawl along at 5miles an hour, periodically stopping for no apparent reason. Invariably you'll be late.
14. Platform announcements
    These are either inaudible or the speakers are too inarticulate to understand. It isn't just a consequence of a multi-cultural society where English isn't the first spoken language. This is a muffled environment carefully contrived to confound passengers. It's a mixture of old tannoy equipment, silence, and a careful recruitment strategy which seems to favour non English speaking candidates. On the Cork Dublin train recently I became very confused, place names like Charleville were suddenly transformed into place names within  the Golden Triangle. I didn't know where I was.
15. Guys crossing their legs
    On the tube there just isn't enough room.  This is of course limited to the ungainly, men only leg cross, where the ankle rests on the thigh. Clearly the dirty sole of their shoe or boot is going to graze the leg of the person beside them - but they're completely oblivious to this. They're too busy checking out their own reflection in the window opposite. 

Do you really want to do this for another year?

"A Christmas happy you will have.....ruff ruff"

I found this poor Yoda through google images, and decided to give him a home here for Christmas.....

Why is it always at the most inopportune moment your bank or credit card company will decide to put a stop or caution on your credit or debit card? And what are you supposed to do? The only contact numbers on the card are to report if it's lost or stolen. There isn't a number listed on it to call if your bank have put a hold on it.

Although my most embarrassing moment was definitely being stranded at a checkout in Tesco with the card stopped and no cash, this Christmas the bank did it inconveniently again. Twice.

The first time, Nintendo Wii's were back in online stock but because the card wouldn't process they were out of stock before I had time to finish. I didn't get one.

Next day I decided to buy something else, ordering before 2pm to make next day delivery. Again the card was stopped. By the time I had run through a series of ridiculous security questions by the bank (such as "Give me the name of a music store you buy music?" - let's face it, you have a 50:50 chance of getting that one right, HMV or whatever Virgin is now called!) I missed the cut-off so the delivery is now scheduled for two to three days after Christmas. No doubt by then it will have been discounted 50% in the sales.

Is there a better way?. Could the bank actually call, don't they have your contact numbers? But of course some of them do. Recently a friend was left stranded in a panic in Tunisia in the middle of the night when her card was stopped. She had no cash. The bank however had kindly left a message on her home telephone in the UK saying the card was stopped as it was being used in Tunisia.

Being used in Tunisia? Ehh, maybe she's in Tunisia, maybe we should call her mobile? No such luck.

There must be a better way. At least as a start a customer service number should be printed on the card. You might then have some chance, rather than having to take a very ignoble exit from Tesco if you happen to be left stranded with no cash and a refused card.

If you're buying retail and go into any of the high street stores such as PC World, Comet, Currys, John Lewis, Dixons, Tesco all laptops on sale come pre-installed with Windows Vista. If you go online to Compaq, Toshiba, Sony, HP, Acer and the rest, you have no choice but to buy Windows Vista. In fact, all websites display the same message "Toshiba recommends Windows Vista", "HP recommends Windows Vista", "VAIO recommends Windows Vista", "Acer recommends Windows Vista" on and on ad nauseam.

With the consistent wording, these recommendations clearly originate from Microsoft rather than clinical engineering tests. Microsoft are heavily incentivising manufacturers to push Vista which has unbelievably been in development since 2001, consuming Microsoft people and money. Despite this, Vista, delivered three years late, doesn't perform any better than XP and needs some serious hardware just to run the graphical "Aero" interface such as 1GB of system memory and a 40GB hard drive capacity.  

Business customers running Vista Business were thrown a life buoy, being quietly allowed to "downgrade" to XP. Retail customers, however, don't have the same licensing choice. If you have it, you're stuck with it. The main change in Vista is the unnecessary user interface and an improved search function as it tries to catch up with Google. Oh, and My Computer has been renamed Computer.

With Vista OS I am reminded of the Apple II being replaced with the Apple III in the early 1980s. The Apple III was designed by Marketeers and was the beginning of the end of Apples leading market position until it started to find itself again with the iPod. Vista has the look and feel of a development being led by Marketeers, it's not an operating system of choice.

So what is the alternative? As you can't seem to buy a laptop with XP you can return to Apple and the MAC OS (once it's not the "leopard" 10.5) or you can build your own with a Linux distribution such as Ubuntu, i.e. buy a Vista Laptop and uninstall the Vista OS. For the moment, my choice is not to buy.

Is it any wonder Vista is ranked number one by PC World as the biggest tech disappointment of 2007?

1. Windows Vista
2. The High Definition format War
3. Facebook Beacon
4. Yahoo
5. Apple iPhone
6. The Broadband Industry
7. Voice Over IP
8. Apple "Leopard" OS 10.5
9. Microsoft Office 2007
10. Wireless Carriers
11. Microsoft Zune
12. Internet Security
13. Social Networks
14. Municipal WiMax
15. Amazon Unbox

 Chancellor Alistair Darling does listen to businesses, he announces, trying with great difficulty to suppress a smile as he daringly poses for a picture without his ears.....

Mr A gestured to the Garfunkel's across the road and suggested we "just go in there". Even though it was quiet, the staff left us waiting to be seated for an unnecessarily long period of time. 

When it was obvious we weren't going to leave, the waitress approached. From her expression she'd clearly drawn the short straw. She had to endure the inconvenience of the customers. 

The attitude in the kitchen can't have been any better. I had to take a photograph of Mr A's lasagne. It was so palpably burnt - incredible that this could be delivered out of a kitchen in Piccadilly Circus and be unashamedly charged at £8.95.

Krispy Kreme have a facebook group, apparently, called Krispy Kreme is coming to Portsmouth. But don't get me started on social networking sites, I want to talk about another one. This site, pictured below, used to be the children's playground at Tesco's North Harbour in Portsmouth.

Make way! It was obviously not producing revenue and has been given over to the much healthier doughnut! Evidently 120,000 of them will be given out free in the run up to store opening and , especially for Portsmouth, a limited edition doughnut, called the Berry Redknapp, after former Pompey manager, will also be available. Don't you just love the marketing?

And the playground? Gone.

Despite having the Techguys with "a wealth of knowledge, years of experience and unrivalled expertise in all manner of computer and technology related challenges" I couldn't get onto the PC World website as it was too busy. I am advised the store will open soon, and bizarrely, am asked to try again in 1430 minutes.

1430 minutes, why that's just under 24 hours? What's the matter, can't the Techguys get the load balancing on the servers right? Is the challenge too great? Or maybe PC World, ironically, just doesn't have the hardware?

By the way, I assume the 1430 minutes is an error in their calculations, unless they've been really clever and included a variable to cover the amount of time a visitor will waste trying to find a laptop without rubbish Vista installed.

Wouldn't it be useful if PC World added operating system into their search function? You might feel you actually had a choice, even if it was only to select XP.

Kent police have started "an exciting new venture" announced Simon Redman, their Director of Support Services. The project, which cost £10,000 to set up, is an online shop expected "to meet demand for new police themed products" and "hopefully raise money to put back into [the] community".

One resident from a crime ridden estate in Ramsgate said "We never seem to see a proper copper round our way", a sentiment shared by other residents. But spending £10K on a shop rather than policing isn't the thing that disturbs me about the story. I'm sure the £10K will be recouped in time and the amount, considering historical spending levels on public sector IT projects, is a drop.

The disturbing thing in this story for me is the message being sent out on some of the merchandise. Take the bib below with the slogan "I've been inside for 9 months". Not only is this destined to become the latest chav baby accessory but it completely trivialises the prison experience. Is this the message the police should be sending out?

By the way, the bib is already out of stock, but you could buy the hip flask. Fill it with your favorite tipple, bring it with you in the car (??).

Gordon Brown at the CBI conference yesterday delivering his "In the old days ..... In the new world" speech. It all sounded a bit like.....

I often wondered why I would see queues of people in line outside Planet Hollywood or am I mistaking it with the Hard Rock Cafe? I'm not sure, I had never been there either. Planet Hollywood opened in 1991 with the backing of a bunch of Hollywood biggies such as Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis. It still seeks the endorsement of A list celebrities, and promises "distinctive dining" in its themed surrounds. 

The mission statement suggests a passion for their guests, no compromise on high standards and a continuous striving to improve. 

Still feeling deprived from lunch I ordered a club sandwich from the menu. Jayne ordered sizzling Fajitas.......... The food arrived. The club sandwich, despite the price, was made with processed turkey and the fries were cold. As for the sizzling fajitas of beef and chicken, the beef tasted as though it came straight from the refrigerator having been cooked the day before. Sizzling my arse!

A passion for guests? I don't think so. I'd have have felt more satisfied had I paid £50 for a happy meal in McDonalds. 

Lazy or just plain ignorant? This visitor to my next door neighbour parks partly across my driveway, blocking my exit, even though there was plenty space to pull up without blocking me in, and there wasn't any emergency. Did they do so because it was a shorter distance to walk to the front door or was it out of a complete lack of awareness or sense of good behaviour?

Wasn't man supposed to have developed in the theory of evolution?

When I arrived at Disney's Newport Bay Club it was lunch time. Having checked in and made it to the room  I was tempted by the club sandwich on the room service menu. What arrived was so awful I had to ask for a refund and was only able to take a single bite. The sandwich, at €11.50, was halved rather than quartered. The bread, which was brown wasn't toasted. It was, however, hard and dry to the touch, as if the slices had been left out in the kitchen overnight. It was made with processed ham rather than chicken or turkey. 

Disney magic clearly didn't extend to the kitchens of the Newport Bay Club and the room service menu. The chef didn't clap his hands over this dreary bad ham sandwich  and utter a triumphant incantation - a puff of smoke ("Eh Voila!") - a club sandwich....

The traditional club sandwich is quartered, usually double-deckered and held together with toothpicks. The bread is toasted, crusts removed and the ingredients include bacon, chicken or turkey, tomato, lettuce and mayonnaise, not what they serve at the Newport Bay. Needless to say, I didn't order room service again.

Oh..... and I almost forgot, the sandwich came with a cold pot of tea.

Normally you can leave a pushchair at the aircraft steps. At the Air France check in desk at Charles de Gaulle the clerk looked down at the pushchair and shook his head. Not tonight, evidently. 

As the three year old was fast asleep, and there was still almost an hour before boarding, this seemed quite monstrous and I queried why the pushchair had to be checked in now. This certainly wasn't the case when we flew out, we left it at the aircraft steps. 

Visibly annoyed at us he looked about for someone else to confirm the check in. He came around to our side and walked across the floor, had a brief conversation with another AF clerk and returned. The pushchair had to be checked in. 

I lifted E out, still sound asleep, and struggled to fold the pushchair with one hand and one leg while the check in clerk watched, un-amused. He then produced a large plastic bag and started to pack the pushchair into it, advising us it had to be taken to Area 8. It couldn't be checked in at Area 10 with the rest of the luggage. 

Go to Area 8? Whatever about having to check the pushchair in, you would at least think we could have pushed it to Area 8, with E asleep, rather than trying to walk a high wire, balancing a sleeping child, a folded up pushchair and the hand baggage. What customer service!

A day later I hear about poor Jean-Jacques Jauffret, a French scriptwriter who was called "enormous!" by the check in clerk. Imagine, they actually came around from behind the check in desk and very publicly  measured his waist. Incredible!

Having already become irrelevant, David Cameron, has now started to turn invisible. .

Miss Bournemouth gives a speech during the party conference pageant finale.....

Alistair Darling, the Chancellor, pictured out on the town at the weekend with Marina from the cult sixties TV show, Stingray. Gossip column note: don't they make a great couple!

Since Easyspace was acquired by Iomart for £10.5M at the tail end of 2004 services have been in decline. One of the problems, and I speak as a user and customer of Easyspace since the 90's, has been in their outsourcing of support services to India. When support was based on shore in Byfleet, Surrey, the technical response and customer service experience, was always spot on. 

This Thursday I contacted Easyspace support with a very simple problem to resolve. I had tried, unsuccessfully, to renew five of the domains in my stable with a debit card, as I have been doing, for what must be now almost ten years. 

The response I got back on my support ticket, time stamped 4:33am (about 9am local time India) claimed "Debit Card is for Monthly Customers Only.", and prompts me to follow a link about payment methods which goes on to explain about direct debits. 

My query had asked "I have tried to renew these [domains] on three separate occasions, even using different debit cards but I keep getting the same message - unable to process at this time."....

Iomart is a public company. You expect an appreciation of the difference between a debit card and a direct debit, but there isn't one. Perhaps this is an outcome of not properly managing an outsourced function, where you end up getting a customer response which begins "this is the wrong answer".

Of course, since last year I have been migrating all my services away from Easyspace, ever since I had been encouraged / miss-sold an upgrade to a dedicated server with a rubbish Plaxo control panel. In fact, this is the reason I registered the domain, reallyannoyshit.com and started this blog. Over a year later and this company are still annoying the s... out of me, and are still getting it wrong.

Just in case you might have cycled into this tree, Surrey County Council had the foresight to put chevron markings around it....

His expression said it all.....

The packaging boasts "it is like food you might cook yourself". This is true if you like to cook plates of jellied meat. Did I say meat? A closer look at the packaging reveals the meat is actually only 4%, so if you are planning a dinner party with a main course of jellied meat be sure to spend time on your marketing, so you can really give the dish a positive spin when you unveil it to your guests. What's the other 96%? Who cares, if anyone asks distract them with a cute kitten. It's an old marketing trick, works every time.

The annual food festival at Emsworth, an old fishing village on the South Coast, took place again this weekend and attracted an estimated 55,000 visitors. This is simply too many to pack into such a small, beautiful space, considering normal motor senses and awareness of others is either completely turned off or is dramatically reduced. People think with their stomachs and behave very unexpectedly. This includes coming to a complete stop in the middle of a pedestrian flow to hunch over and shovel food into their mouths. If you have a pushchair or a wheelchair or small kids the stress of trying to move through the crowd in one piece is too great, best to retreat to the river to feed the swans.

Gordon Brown, in his first speech to the TUC as prime minister, arrived on stage dressed as a pantomime cow. Not having the social skills of his predecessor, Tony Blair, critics have long advocated he find new ways to be creative in engaging with UK voters.

Of course, this prop had a dark undertone, in the shape of the pink udders. They gave the appearance of being able to produce milk (as in "jobs for Britons"), but in the end they are just part of a costume he can unzip and climb out of..

The hideous Autumn migration of large ugly spiders has begun. There you are sitting quietly on the sofa on a lazy weekend afternoon watching Back to the Future when you're distracted by the freak racing across the floor on his eight legs.

This happened so quickly I didn't have time to get my camera out. In the afternoon, a man, unbelievably, walks out of a kebab shop carrying a live mouse by the tail. He stoops down and lets it free by the kerb where it quickly takes shelter under a parked car. The man, smiling to himself, goes back inside, presumably waiting for customers or to examine the doner on its rotating spit.

Ken Livingstons observation in June that the Olympic logo "will grow on you" took on a new meaning this week when shocking images revealed in The British Medical Journal pictured a man from Croydon with a 2012 shaped rash on his abdomen.

I should have known better when the doors opened. I really should have got a taxi home last night rather than getting on the tube with this bunch of ........

"Boo Hooo, there's no one waiting for me......"

Widely reported in the press this week, Chelsy Davy, has a strop at the airport as Prince Harry wasn't there waiting for her.

Gordon Brown doesn't flinch as he's hit by a blue beachball . This new office sports craze called faceball, originated at Flickr, arrived at this mornings cabinet meeting amid great ministerial humour. 

Now in production in China, the London mayoral robots...........

Two things disturbed me about the recent Rolling Stones concert at the O2. The first being that Greenwich Council will not fine either Keith Richards or Ronnie Wood £50 for smoking on stage at the venue on the basis that no one at the concert complained about it. It would seem as if the smoking ban doesn't actually apply as long as no one complains. Does it set a precedent? Could landlords display signs like "this is a smoking pub" and have their  patrons agree. What exactly was the point of introducing the ban if it isn't applied? Isn't this just another message to the UK that you can get away with anything?

The second thing that disturbed me was someone describing the event (of them lighting up) as "being a great rock 'n' roll moment" (Evening Standard 22/08/07). Now pardon me for being a purist, but how does this non event compare to Ozzy Osbourne biting the head off a bat?

When a friend of mine was trying to sell his house he de-cluttered into mine in true Anne Maurice style. This was a few years back, and believe it or not I still have a load of his junk in my garage. I can't even put my car in there as there's a dish washer, a plastic garden dining set, a wooden book case, four louvered doors, a lamp stand, a telephone book, a garden shears, "didn't they do well?", and an assorted bunch of other rubbish you would never expect to see on the conveyor belt in the generation game, all obstructing my way. The clutter takes up just under half of my garage space.

For the first couple of years I didn't particularly care, he was doing up his new house, had a new baby and so on, but in April  I asked him to move it. I am still waiting, six months later, even though he has room in his own garage and has access to a van every day of the week.

Once, since, on a Friday, he sent me a text to say he had  the van and could collect that weekend. I figured, that's convenient for him.  I had asked him to collect the stuff on a week night after work. I am not usually there at the weekend. He had agreed, with the nights getting brighter, he could do it. I concluded he must have had the van for something else and it would have been convenient for him to collect at that time. I texted back to say I wasn't there, and when was he going to collect it, only to receive a text back saying "well, I have tried", referring to this single attempt. It was then that words like "piss" and "taking" started to spring to mind.

It's now September. The nights get shorter making it impractical for a week night collection and the junk is still in my garage. The next time someone asks me to store something I will certainly say no, and direct them straight to a self storage unit like the big yellow storage company.

I still wonder what to do with the junk in my garage. Pile it into a skip, except I lose again in having to pay for it. Have it delivered to his house and dumped in his driveway - again the cost is mine. What would you do, what would you recommend?

The UK's information watchdog warned, during the week, of a danger of the UK "sleepwalking into a surveillance society". Richard Thomas, the information Commissioner, was most concerned about the national identity card scheme, a population register planned by the Office for National Statistics and a proposed database of children which includes their fingerprints. 

When I bought a DVD player this morning I was incredulous I had to fill in a form for "TV Licensing", giving my name, address and whether I had a colour or black and white TV. All this will be fed back into the TV database to ensure no one eludes paying their TV licence. Incredible!

Who is TV Licensing? It's actually "a trading name used by companies contracted by the BBC to administer the collection of television license fees and enforcement of the television licensing system."

George Orwell seems  increasingly to have been a prophet rather than a novelist. Now you can't even buy a small electrical appliance without it being entered in a central database.

As I get the overland and Jubliee line to Canary Wharf my car is ordinarily curled up asleep on the driveway.  Last week, in a hurry to get to Gatwick, I jump in, turn the ignition. Nothing happens. A moment of panic. No jump leads. AA home start cancelled several years earlier. I get out, push open the front door, sift through the cumulative letter box junk. Eureka. A business card for a taxi company. I can't press the digits on the keypad fast enough. Finally...
  "I need a car to Gatwick please"
  "What time do you need it for?"
  "Now", I blurt out.

The weekend passes, back in the train reading Mr China ("The incredible story of a Wall Street banker who went to China with four hundred million dollars and learned the hard way that China doesn't play by Western rules"). One night, after work, still in the office, gazing out of the 23rd floor I remember, and call the AA from my mobile. 

A recorded voice advises me I am in a queue. I may be holding for five minutes. Did I want to call back at another time? I hold. I hold for ten minutes. The same AA adverts replay and replay and replay, without interruption, before someone finally speaks.

I quote my membership number and enquire,
 "My car needs a restart at home. I don't have the home start option on my membership. I wonder if it's possible to add it, and have a a call out at some stage tomorrow?"

"You can add home start and that will be valid up until your renewal next year", he responded, quoting me the full price, even though my renewal would be two weeks earlier (i.e. pay the full price for fifty weeks rather than fifty two - 3.8% bonus for the AA) He continues confidently "You would have to pay a surcharge for your call out tomorrow. The total price including your membership upgrade would be £89".

I hesitated. Home start is £44. The surcharge is £45. I paid the home start sub. for many years, never using it. Cancelled it in the end as it just seemed a waste of money. Somehow I actually feel as if I am being ripped off, not just because of the two weeks but the fact it just didn't seem right after being a customer for eight years.

"I'll leave it" I answered, already thinking  about the RAC for next year.
 "Is there anything else I can help you with?"
 "No thanks."

In the morning I go to Maplins and buy a portable car charger for just under £40. If I had planned better I could have bought one on the internet for £20.

How on earth the building pictured below got planning permission is a mystery well beyond me. It opened in 2006 and contains the printing presses which run off the majority of the newspapers owned by Thomas Crosbie Holdings (TCH). This includes the Irish Examiner, and the Evening Echo. In the opening ceremony, Michael Martin, the Enterprise Minister, pressed the button to start the presses.

 The building clearly doesn't compliment the landscape in any way. Instead it interrupts it, it shuts it up mid sentence, and is just simply plain ugly in its surroundings. Any one care to guess how it might have been approved?

The Rochestown Park Hotel is a four star hotel. On Saturday evening as I  was in Cork for the weekend I stopped by there with my bother and sister for a drink. My brother ordered a Murphys, my sister an OJ and for myself, a still water. My sister was buying. She handed me a glass full of ice, the barman assuming I was having ice rather than asking.

   "Could I get a glass without ice?"

A four star service? The barman took the glass back, threw the ice out of it and handed the same glass back, rather than getting a clean one. Mental note: don't come back here in a hurry, clearly either the staff aren't being trained or they just hire dipsticks.

Householders were reminded during the week of their prodigal attitude to wasting food. The blame for dumping 3.3million tonnes of edible food into landfill sites is tipped squarely onto us as the consumers. In landfill the food breaks down and causes "greenhouse gases" which, we're reminded, contribute to the type of weather which has left large swathes of the UK under water.

Earlier in the year, Jennie Price, a former Chief Executive of Wrap, the UK's waste body, advised us to look in the fridge or cupboard before shopping, and as far back as 2005 Lord Haskins accused us of having "eyes...bigger than stomachs".

Meanwhile the supermarkets are in the clear. You can still buy food off the shelf which is already rotting. You can still buy food where the use by date is the day you're actually buying it (and you're still paying full price). 

Every adult in the UK, according to Wrap, wastes approximately £400 a year on food that ends up in the bin. Where else is it supposed to go if you can't eat it?

Enticed in by the Sales signs and in need of some new shirts I went into Austin Reed in Kingston's Bentall Centre. Although my main reason for going out had been to buy a new pair of boots in Jones ("the bootmakers") they only had shoes, and I couldn't go home empty handed.

 Formal shirts were on a two for three in Austin Reed and there were also shirts marked down by half price. I found one shirt in the half price bay and then picked out another three formal shirts. The three formal shirt were £50 each and the half price came in at a few pence short of £25.

He hesitates, then quietly cancels the transaction, and runs the items through again as two separate sales. "That's accountants for you", he explains, while handing me the single bag. As I leave I feel, erroneously, as if I'm up £25 - Wuwho! Next stop Threshers. 

Prime Minster Gordon Brown pictured at the weekend on the circular line returning from Tiger Tiger.

Gordon Brown promises to lead a government of "all the talents".

Homebase's online store seems to have disappeared from the internet. Today when I tried to visit all I got was a blank page and an egg timer. I wonder if this is an improvement over the prior week where the site simply said "Sorry, homebase... is temporarily unavailable". Given DIY sales are in decline wouldn't you think they'd have made a better effort?

The Mountfield HP470 hand propelled petrol mower with its Briggs & Stratton engine is a dud. Since writing about its slow start last year things have only got worse. The wheels continue to fall off and the push bars have now buckled. At first I thought it might be trying to transform, chitty chitty bang bang style, into some kind of super, hovering mower. But no, the mower, which is under two years old and has been used less than twenty times, looks as if its been in service since the last century. I don't think it will make another cut and looks destined for the scrap heap.

The now familiar blank screen which has replaced all programming formerly delivered by NTL. Back in early March I though it was only Sky I had lost, now it seems to be everything. 

I will be visited by a technician on Monday morning but have been warned that if there is no one at home I will be charged £10. I think, well, I've been without a service for a week, don't you think it should be quits?

I still recall those smug comments I read on blogs and forums after the takeover and the lack of Sky programmes, about what a clever chap Richard Branson was, how he was sticking up for the little guys, and surely Virgin had something unbelievable up their pop sleeves. Is this it? A blank screen and a change to telephone charging, no longer billed by the second, you are now billed by the minute - rounded up. If you make a call lasting two minutes one second you will be charged for three minutes. Well done for sticking up for the little guy.

And by the way - can we please stick a zip on Uma Thurman. She is quickly becoming one of the most annoying people in the world as these irritating Virgin ads are replayed and replayed and replayed............

Despite leaving my contact number with British Gas with a request to call me back once they had investigated what may have occurred I instead receive a letter this morning from Revenue Assurance, their debt collection agency. I am not really surprised, in fact, when I first spoke about this in May I ended the blog with "To be continued....".

The debt collection agency are looking to recover a debt of £743.67 from a dormant company which has never traded and which doesn't even have a bank account. The company was incorporated in July of last year which is clear to anyone who looks up the records at Companies House.

The billing period for the amount they are trying to recover is from November 2004 to October 2006. If the company was incorporated late July of 2006 how on earth could it have been using a gas supply at an office in Cambridge since November 2004?

The annoying thing about the letter I receive is that it doesn't have a contact name. It's signed off  "Recoveries Team", above which is stamped, some standard signature which gives an initial rather than a name. In fact, it appears to signed by an A Frankenstein.

I call the number on the letter and after I quote the account number am told the person I need to speak to is on the phone. I leave my details. Now I am beginning to fume. 

A quick Google on British Gas Billing and the results returned include headlines such as, British Gas swamped by billing complaints, My British Gas nightmare: Customer Service Hell, British Gas: awful on every level, British Gas sets complaints record, Surge in British Gas Complaints, British Gas Complaints Soar, Billing Chaos at British Gas seemingly ad infinitum.

In fact, the Times, this morning, breaks another story reporting that back in February British Gas cancelled the direct debits of  45,000 of its customers, just weeks after Phil Bentley, MD of British Gas, promised to cut complaints caused by a new £400 million billing system. 

Photo: British Gas gets a £400 million makeover.

To be continued ......

I read recently in The Long Tail that the supermarket contributed to the downfall of communism. The supermarket "showcased how a free market economy could deliver abundant, affordable food and became a metaphor for what capitalism could do and Communism could not". Boris Yeltsin, the first president of the Russian Federation recalled in his autobiography, recounting a visit to a supermarket in 1989, "When I saw those shelves crammed with hundreds, thousands of cans, cartons, and goods of every possible sort, for the first time I felt quite frankly sick with despair for the Soviet people."

Luckily it wasn't Tesco he visited. The empty shelves, damaged produce and long checkout queues might have given him an entirely different vision of the economy.

Photo: Vision of the future or simply a queue arising from a lack of checkout staff or is it confused souls waiting for food to be moved from cages to the shelves.....

Mattesons Fridge Raiders are a self styled "bag of meat" snack which claims to be "an ideal healthier snacking alternative to crisps". Made with 100% chicken...actually it's made with 91% chicken, but that 91% is 100% chicken....

Having been saturated with the TV advert I stopped in front of them in Tesco only to be perplexed as to why there is a bag of chicken which  tastes like Chinese spare ribs. Are Mattesson set to expand the range into the rest of the crisp flavours so that we can eat chicken that tastes like beef or prawn or bacon?

What happened to eating an apple or dunking a digestive?

Government insist there is no risk from Wi-Fi radiation

Read what other bloggers are saying....

• BookDrunk
• NextLust
• ChrisBlogger
• ParentDish
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• Computing
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The 2012 Olympic logo was unveiled today with Seb Coe, the 2012 Organising Committee Chairman, admitting "It won't be to everyone's taste". Words like "jagged", "jigsaw" and other unprintable words are already being used to describe the "zany" design which had a price tag of £400,000. 

Of course, because of the price tag, the new logo is officially a brand set to "take(s) our values to the world beyond our shores". Ken Livingston, praising the angular and disjointed design, says it "draws on what London has become".

Seb Coe further describes the logo as "an invitation to take part and be involved". More than 12,500 people already have by signing a petition to have it scrapped.

Some have also remarked the logo might be derived from the Nazi Storm Troopers insignia, perhaps recalling and being influenced by Ken Livingston's jibes at an Evening Standard journalist last year?

It's also been suggested the logo represents a sordid sex act too rude to show on the internet.

Take note, all countries with a bad human rights record, just recognise the legislation and then opt out of the parts you don't like.

The New Head Quarters of Spectre are set to open on the 27th June.

Cherie Blair photographed while wearing a beard of bees

Pictured at the weekend, enjoying their shared leisure interest, Tony Blair and Gordon Brown attend a Star Trek Convention.

Last week I was in Portsmouth and got stuck behind a waiting car on one of the one ways leading to Albert Road. I sat patiently, behind the "old dear", who didn't acknowledge me or that I was waiting behind her. After about five minutes another "old dear" closes the front door of her house and eventually gets into the car. She did glance my way -  disapprovingly - but again, didn't acknowledge my waiting. The pair drove off without as much as a wave of the hand...........

.....as if I had nothing better to do......

Prime Minister Tony Blair prepares for his final day where he is set to exit Number 10 in spectacular style.

I tuned in briefly only to witness twelve people all talking at the same time. The spine says it best

Big Brother Returns to Channel 4

Tony Blair opens his shirt outside 10 Downing Street to pose for a glamour shot, unexpectedly revealing the  Kuato like creature he shares his body with.

Play once and it becomes an effort to stop. No fancy Xbox needed, no shoot em up gore...

"What a piece of work is man! How noble in reason! how infinite in faculties! in form and moving, how express and admirable! in action how like an angel!"

Some chancer even dumped his pizza express box and other rubbish even though the recycle point is just for bottles and cans.