Gordon Brown, as part of his pre-election campaigning, announced yesterday his top three priorities for the country were "keeping on the road to recovery, keeping on the road to recovery and keeping on the road to recovery". "Bugger", he adds quietly to Alastair Darling, " which f'ing way is it?".

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In a web exclusive, a local Government official has revealed a new tool in their armoury of powers to help them crack down on the UK tax payer. The airborne CCTV device, conceived by Gordon Brown while still Chancellor, is currently being trialled by a number of London Boroughs to verify council tax bandings, to check up on recycling "errors" and to observe spending behaviours. Shareholders take note, the camera, which will be able to record your home through your windows, may spark an increase in the sale of net curtains. The official commented "if you have nothing to hide then you have nothing to fear".

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Gordon Brown tries out a new technique....

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Gordon Brown receives his greeting card proofs back from the publisher

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Amid growing speculation of his using prescription drugs, Gordon Brown instead reveals his new eye patch.

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More prototype Surveillance Droids are spotted in Central London following Gordon Brown's announcement in Brighton last week.

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Ermm, Gordon, I think this might be too close to the bone.

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Gordon Brown unveils the TAX-U-01 surveillance droid at the annual Labour Party conference in Brighton. This new mobile unit is already in production in Yunnan Province, China. It is to be deployed before the end of the year to trial in Guildford, Surrey. The Star Wars like device is preprogrammed with profiling software to select and follow you, automatically relaying data back to a centralised computer where fines can be issued. It is anticipated the droid will also be used by local councils to confirm property tax bandings and to monitor household recycling.

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An ancient human-like creature that may be a direct ancestor to our species has been described by researchers.

The assessment of the 4.4-million-year-old animal called Gordon Ardipithecus Ramidus Brown is reported in the journal Science.

Even if it is not on the direct line to us, it offers new insights into how we evolved from the common ancestor we share with chimps, the team says.

Fossils of G. Ramidus Brown were first found in Parliament in 1983, but it has taken 26 years to assess their significance.

One of the lead scientists on the project, Professor Tim White from the University of California, Berkeley, said the investigation had been painstaking.

"It took us many, many years to clean the bones in Westminister and then set about to restore this skeleton to its original dimensions and form; and then study it and compare it with all the other fossils that are known from Government and elsewhere, as well as with the modern age," he told the journal.

"This is not an ordinary fossil. It's not a chimp. It's not a human. It shows us what we used to be."

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Last week it was the evil ex-employee of Asda. This week it's our own prime minister who gives in to the despicable temptation of licking his chicken.

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Although he has been wholly descredited since, Gordon Brown was once known as the Iron Chancellor. An unusual moniker given he is in fact made almost entirely from jelly, an attribute which must surely contribute to S&P's threat to downgrade the UK's credit rating.

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Gordon Brown, Hazel Blears, Liz Blackman, Kevin Brennan, Alistair Darling, Ben Chapman, Ed Balls, David Chaytor, Harry Cohen, David Miliband, Geoff Hoon, Shaun Woodward, Maria Eagle..............more

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Archive footage of Gordon Brown from the World Economic Forum.

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Bugger! The cowboy builders strike again.....

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Gordon Brown unveils plans to create 100,000 jobs in a public spending programme rumoured to include the construction of a giant Sphinx in London's Canary Wharf. The Sphinx will have a contemporary twist and is to be built with the head of Gordon Brown on the body of a lion. 

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Come here Darling, screw the economy, pucker up and kiss me. I know you want it....

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This shit will represent nothing less than a sea-change

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Erm, Gordon, are you sure you understand the concept of "social mobility"?

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Gordon's economic relaunch suffers another setback as his solution to the energy crisis receives a less than enthusiastic response during consumer trials in Hackney. The Prime Minister, determined to do the right thing, delivered fire to local households faced with fuel poverty, advising them to refrigerate, to make the fire last longer.

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Undaunted by losing the battle with the energy companies to fund a cash rebate to the needy, Gordon Brown demonstrates a new plan to help pensioners stay warm this winter in the face of huge increases in energy bills.

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Tuesday: Having had his relaunch sunk by Alistair Darling, Gordon Brown comes up with another clever strategy.

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Speaking to the BBC yesterday, Jack Straw, likened the current economic climate to an airplane passing through tubulence. Mr Straw, in an effort to limit the damage caused by Alistair Darlings irresponsible interview with the Guardian, continued with his aviation anology, to ask "The question for the country is who is better to take us through this turbulent period? Is it an experienced pilot and co-pilot in Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling.. or is it David Cameron and George Osborne?"

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Gordon Brown, pictured on his way to a fancy dress party at the weekend, is more "Robbin' Hood" than "Robin Hood". He is the Prince of thieves, just look at the headlines -

• Labours latest stealth tax hits 11.7M drivers
• £520 NI 'Stealth tax' if you earn £40,000
• This stealth tax on our dustbins
• Stamp duty 'Stealth tax' creeps up on house buyers
• The £100bn stealth tax he hoped we'd never notice
• Council tax increases send household bills soaring above £3,000
• New taxes look bad for business
• The 10% rate and low-income households
• ....
• Need I go on?

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The BBC headline read "Brown brings mystery to festival." Of course, this isn't the only place he brings mystery. Although better known for his sleight of hand, Gordan is currently making houses disappear at an alarming rate throughout the UK.

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"I don't think the British people have ever been broken by anything or anyone." says Gordon Brown in an Interview with Ian Rankin at the Edinburgh book festival. Read the story here.

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"Britain is basically a decent, compassionate society", says Prime Minister Gordon Brown.

Yeah, right!

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I couldn't quite think of the caption for the picture below. Any suggestions? It depicts Gordon Brown and Harriet enjoying happier days in each others company at No. 10 - before he went on holidays! 

You know, I heard they even had their own song. It's that one from Martene McCutchen. Remember her? Eastenders. And I'm sure you've seen her in Faces. What was it called, "This is my moment.", or something like that?

Just glancing at Newsnight on BBC2, and what did I see some liitle Minister from Gordons Brown's Disaster sitting next to a poster which states

"Did you know that having a job is good for you"

Well I'm outraged, I know that I live in Ireland and you are probably wondering how does this effect him?.

Simple this kind of thing catches on,the Irish Sea is'nt that big, if foot and mouth got here, a poster and its message will get here too.

Before you know it there will studies carried out telling us this myth is true. Next thing its reports published with graphs and anything published with graphs is always right.

There will  be a press conference held to launch the report, jigsawed to new Government policy "outlining the way foward" ie getting you work harder and longer possibly for less money.

Clearly its a lie, if you d'ont believe me look around on your commute to work, how many people are smiling?, how many look unhappy?.I'd hazard a guess a say the unhappy ones have it.

Working is shite, you work to make money so that you can buy food, pay for your home,and to live, working is'nt good for you, its necessary. I appreciate that many people enjoy their work, and more luck to them but coming out and declaring "Did you know that having a job is good for you" is simply irresponsible.

At this feckin rate two bottles of wine at night will be bad for you, wait and see its coming and there will a poster campaign to launch the policy, is some hotel during,yep, a wine reception......

Reallyannoyingshit.

Gordon Brown is looking a bit arse about face over this 10p tax rate.

It is to become compulsory for 11 to 14 year olds to be able "to cook a tomato sauce" announced Ed Balls, School Secretary, as he introduced new labour plans to tackle obesity. The Government will fund the training of eight hundred new cookery teachers in the next two to three years making practical cooking skills part of the national curriculum from 2011. Students will be able to "do shepherds pie, or chilli con carne ... or do a simple curry", he continued, while inviting members of the public to suggest healthy, easy to prepare dishes. (Ed, how about Tomato Sauce?)

Critics of the scheme point out the fact that physical activities aren't compulsory, and physical exercise may be more effective in fighting obesity trends among the young.

Meanwhile, a giant picture of Gordon Brown was delivered to Downing Street today for approval by the PM. It's rumoured the image will be permanently displayed on London Bridge, in a similar way to the portrait of Chairman Mao in the Forbidden City, Beijing.

The monster reaches out his huge hand....

I'm actually in denial it's the new year.  It can't really have passed by that quickly. They've missed out on some of the months. They must have done. Was there an April? And what about October, I don't remember there being an October?

I do remember The Rise of the Silver Surfer, the disappearance of Madeline, demolishing the garden shed, and a few other things really got my goat during the year, but here's my top ten....

1. Gordon Brown
   Continuing to annoy me. He became Prime Minister, bottled an election, quietly signed the Lisbon treaty passing further powers away to the EU, promised a government of "all the talents" then lost the personal details of 25million people, had a party funding scandal, pledged an end to spin while in the same breath claiming to have reduced the rate of corporation tax (not quite, there was an increase for small companies - the so called backbone of the economy). The Tories say he's the wrong man, but of course they would, wouldn't they! 
2. Carbon footprint
   In 2007 our carbon footprints became big business. The Chancellor has been rubbing his hands in glee at the prospect of being able to introduce new types of taxes, and companies have been dressing in floral prints designed by their marketers. This latest fashion of "social responsibility" is being paraded on the catwalk in front of us mug consumers. Meanwhile there seems to be a whole body of evidence accumulating to suggest man-made C02 plays only a minor, insignificant role in climate change. When trying to finds the facts on Google I found instead near Freudian hysteria and contributions from people who seem to think they're in a movie. The consequences of man-made climate change, wrote one budding actor, will be "worse, much much worse......eventual extinction".
3. Nobel Peace Prize
   In keeping with "the year of the footprint" this year the Nobel Prize for Peace was shared between an organisation and Al Gore. They each get half a prize " for their efforts to build up and disseminate greater knowledge about man-made climate change, and to lay the foundations for the measures that are needed to counteract such change".  Why did Al Gore get a prize for his video? There's even doubts it was actually true, like, get down to the bookies - there may yet be a chance of Jeremy Clarkson winning in 2008 for his continued work on Top Gear.
4. Virgin Media
   Launched on February 14th, V-Day. Steve Burch, CEO of NTL, was quoted at the time as saying "Virgin Media will shake up the market by bringing the Virgin traditions of value-for-money, brilliant customer service and innovation to the world of entertainment and communications."  However, a bungled negotiation with BSkyB led to the loss of popular channels such as Sky 1, Sky News, Sky 2, Sky Travel, Sky 3.... 40,000 customers fled in the first three months, perhaps they knew the virgin traditions of "value for money, brilliant customer service and innovation" are a branding screen thrown up to hide a normal company. They don't mean anything. Did we see our TV charges reduce with less channels? No. Did we see phone charges increase? Yes Sir we did!
5. Windows Vista
   The biggest technological disappointment of 2007 despite an R&D bill of £10bn, Windows Vista, actually seems to be an operating system designed for teenagers to help organise their media files. It seems a ridiculous use of hardware to spend on unnecessarily indexing every file and on fancy graphics like transparency which don't add anything and, in fact,  hamper the experience.  First set of tasks to do if you're a consumer stuck with Vista and you can't return it - turn off windows sidebar, un-tick all files in Indexing options, change update settings, change control panel to classic view, change start menu to classic, and yes, download open office as you won't be able to use Excel. 
6. HMRC
   It doesn't look like we'll ever see a video podcast or a YouTube channel explaining the ongoing delays to VAT applications which continued throughout 2007. The HMRC website, now in 2008, still displays the same notice since 2006, "Please be aware we are currently experiencing processing delays with both paper and online applications".  Applications can take up to six months to process, clearly inconveniencing small business. No practical guidance is given by HMRC on what to do during this lengthy application period. They just don't care, they're opening premise - "everyone's a crook" - guides all policy.
7. Tesco
   What's Tesco becoming? On my last visit of 2007 to Tesco Express in Port Solent my conclusion was a village. It has it's own pharmacy, a Costa Coffee, a supermarket, what appears to be an Argos, a department store, a Krispy Kreme Doughnut, and an opticians. The trouble is the supermarket is a mess, boxes on the ground, empty shelves, off products and staff pushing cages everywhere. You have to literally dodge the cages because they can't see what's in front when they're pushing. And there are plans to add a dentist practice to this village. I'd actually prefer if they brought in another supermarket chain, a company that knows how to run a supermarket, because Tesco seem to have forgotten.
8. Celebrity Rehab
   Britney Spears, Amy Winehouse, Pete Doherty, Lyndsay Lohan et al, all seemingly gone off the rails. They go into rehab, they come out, they get drunk or spaced, get pictured without their underwear, get spaced, go into rehab, and it's all front page news. I'm just not intersted. Why can't they just get a grip?
9. Open Season on the Games
   The 2012 logo was launched on Monday the 4th of  June and was almost instantly and unanimously derided (including by me). The jagged, graffiti design was likened to Lisa Simpson performing a lewd sex act. Within three days almost 50,000 people signed an online petition calling for the logo to be scrapped, an animated version had to be pulled from broadcast over fears the effects cause epileptic seizure. It was open season on "the Games", all year in fact, the underlying theme being, it's being run by a bunch of incompetents who don't know what they're doing. It'll be wrong and over budget. Guffaw! How could they forget the VAT? See point six above on HMRC, who in the end decided they couldn't register.
10. Big Brother
    Following the celebrity Big Brother race row, the ugly bullying of Shilpa Shetty, and Carphone Warehouse withdrawing sponsorship for the programme, we quietly hoped 2007 would be the last year of Big Brother. But no, it's continued....

Happy New Year and God bless for 2008

Gordon Brown at the CBI conference yesterday delivering his "In the old days ..... In the new world" speech. It all sounded a bit like.....

Miss Bournemouth gives a speech during the party conference pageant finale.....

His expression said it all.....

Gordon Brown, in his first speech to the TUC as prime minister, arrived on stage dressed as a pantomime cow. Not having the social skills of his predecessor, Tony Blair, critics have long advocated he find new ways to be creative in engaging with UK voters.

Of course, this prop had a dark undertone, in the shape of the pink udders. They gave the appearance of being able to produce milk (as in "jobs for Britons"), but in the end they are just part of a costume he can unzip and climb out of..

Gordon Brown doesn't flinch as he's hit by a blue beachball . This new office sports craze called faceball, originated at Flickr, arrived at this mornings cabinet meeting amid great ministerial humour. 

Prime Minster Gordon Brown pictured at the weekend on the circular line returning from Tiger Tiger.

Gordon Brown promises to lead a government of "all the talents".

Take note, all countries with a bad human rights record, just recognise the legislation and then opt out of the parts you don't like.

The New Head Quarters of Spectre are set to open on the 27th June.

Pictured at the weekend, enjoying their shared leisure interest, Tony Blair and Gordon Brown attend a Star Trek Convention.

Tony Blair is expected to make a public statement today at 12:00 to confirm he is to stand down as labour leader. The announcement is set to spark a leadership contest.

Tony Blair ordered the Lord Chancellor Gordon Brown to work in his underpants following revelations that his tax credit system has made £6billion in overpayments and is set to write off close to £2billion of tax payers money as unrecoverable. Gordon was seen emerging from Downing Street in his pants, a little hunched over, but obviously seeing the amusing side of his predicament. A brief case covered his modesty.

The rate of corporation tax for small companies is set to increase by 3% while the rate for large companies is set to decrease by 2% under the Chancellors 2007 Budget.

Gordon Brown explains the increase in the small company tax rate as a deterrent to tax motivated incorporation. This is where a person incorporates a company and provides a contract for services to another company, rather than being employed directly by them. This enables the "employee" to pay themselves dividends rather than salary and thereby avoid having to pay national insurance.

However, the practice is legislated against since 2000 when the government introduced IR35 so that this budget increase is just simply bad news for genuine small companies taking on board the personal risk of running their own company. Rather than encouraging an entrepreneurial spirit this is another disincentive to leave paid employment and start a business. The little profit you make will be cut by another 3% while larger companies can continue to grow and put small companies out of business.

Already little companies face undue delays in registering for VAT making them uncompetitive as their costs are higher by the amount of VAT they can't reclaim. Now another 3% is set to be cut from their earnings. It would seem as if the Government would prefer if there was just one large company in which we were all employees.

A new Prime Minister and Lord Chancellor arrive in Munchkinland.

Gordon Brown, with his trademark sense of humour, introducing his 2007 budget

On the same day Gordon Brown calls on all homes to be greener he signs approval for his new plans to relocate Number 10 to a tree.