Mayor Ken Livingston, posing outside City Hall, as he promotes his plan to create a beach on London's South Bank; an urban beach to rival the Plage in Paris.

Ooops, did Ken accidentally forget to put on his Speedos? Uh la la!

As 2008 begins, and the first day of commuting misfires with overrunning engineering works, I've compiled my list of the most annoying attributes of, or the reasons to avoid using, public transport. 

1. Mental Health Patients
   You won't find these in your car, so the number one reason to avoid public transport is having one of the UK's early released mental health patients in the same carriage as you. You know they've been left out early and are not taking medication as they're bare foot wearing sandals in December so there is no hiding their freakish yeti feet as they pace the carriage in a confused circle, scratching their beard. What are they going to do next, make a lunge for someone with a knife?
2. Ringtones
   When the "Mission Impossible" ringtone goes off people don't turn heads to look in admiration at the cool guy. If they turn around at all it's to look at the "knob head" who needs a ringtone to validate their personality. And of course, it isn't limited to "Mission Impossible", there's a whole industry built around downloading ringtones, some, like the crazy frog, specifically designed to be annoying. A 2007 research paper by the World Health Organisation into the long term ill effects of noise exposure suggested 3% of deaths from coronary heart disease were caused by chronic noise exposure. I wonder how many of these were on the overland to Waterloo? For 2008 put in on vibrate, your ringtone won't really be "the envy of your mates" as the advertising might suggest.
3. iPods / MP3's
   Played too loudly and you can overhear this awful tinny sound. It's just more noise adding to the coronary heart disease statistics. You can't hear a tune. The noise however, becomes even more aggravating if the person wearing the iPod starts "getting on down" to the music by nodding their head or tapping their foot - even more so if they're middle aged.
4. The smell of a McDonalds
   Number four in the list is the smell pervading the carriage as someone sits there and horses down a happy meal while you suffocate with the stink. You have to switch to breathing through the mouth. At times like this you would gladly turn into a 19th Century dandy or Russell Brand look-alike and produce, with a flourish, a scented kerchief from your sleeve to wave under your nose. This would also insulate you from the smell of clothes left to dry in a wet bundle, body odour, Lynx or someone's silent CO2 emission.
5. It's just too crowded
   Why do some people still insist on reading their newspaper when you're literally crushed together and can't move. They will still try to turn the pages literally within a half inch or less of your nose. 
6. Mobile Phones
   Their second appearance in my list of reasons to avoid public transport and use your car. I'm not sure which is worse, sitting in ear shot of someone going on and on in short story long mode or someone loudly soliloquising on their mobile as if the carriage were their theatre. They talk so they can be overheard. It doesn't matter who's on the other side, this is about the speaker and the other commuters in the carriage. It's as if they want to "be the envy of the other commuters". 
7. People talking in the morning
   It shouldn't be allowed. In the morning we want to sit in silence with our own thoughts and not be irritated by any early morning chatter, particularly when combined with laughter. And have you noticed, those talking seem to be doing so unnecessarily loudly?
8. Overrunning engineering works
   The first working day of 2008 backfires as overrunning engineering works close Liverpool Street station and lead to two hour delays on a main England to Scotland route. We're advised the work should have been completed. Very helpful! Meanwhile fares are due to increase by another 10%
9. Undertaking on the escalators
   We're all familiar with road rage, but in 2007 I was one bit lip away from being involved in the first incidence of escalator rage. We all know, other than the occasional gaggle of tourists, that there are two lanes on the escalator. On the right you stand, on the left you hurry by. But even this isn't quick enough for some. A gap in the slow lane and someone will dart out form behind you, overtake and push back in in front, even though you're jogging down the escalator yourself.. 
10. Public Nose picking
    As you watch in unbelief, out in public, surrounded by other people, and without a tissue or handkerchief in sight they'll start to pick their nose. Don't they realise where they are? Don't they realise they're out in public? You worry. What are they going to do next? Wipe it off the seat, flick it somewhere. Ugh!.
11. Lack of spatial awareness
    This is particularly for those who wear bulky bags or backpacks on their backs and still obliviously turn in a confined space so the bag knocks into everyone. It's also for those who seem determined to obstruct the exit or entrance or who form a jostling human barricade to block your exit from the train onto the platform. They get on before you have time to get off, they shout out "can you move down please" even though people are stuffed in as it is.....
12. Slamming carriage doors
    Why do some people board the train on the last carriage and then proceed to walk through all the carriages, slamming the doors until they get to the first carriage. This is as confusing for me as those who take five to ten minutes to check in at an airport. 
13. Fast Trains
    Whenever I do get one of these it's overtaken by the slow train and seems to crawl along at 5miles an hour, periodically stopping for no apparent reason. Invariably you'll be late.
14. Platform announcements
    These are either inaudible or the speakers are too inarticulate to understand. It isn't just a consequence of a multi-cultural society where English isn't the first spoken language. This is a muffled environment carefully contrived to confound passengers. It's a mixture of old tannoy equipment, silence, and a careful recruitment strategy which seems to favour non English speaking candidates. On the Cork Dublin train recently I became very confused, place names like Charleville were suddenly transformed into place names within  the Golden Triangle. I didn't know where I was.
15. Guys crossing their legs
    On the tube there just isn't enough room.  This is of course limited to the ungainly, men only leg cross, where the ankle rests on the thigh. Clearly the dirty sole of their shoe or boot is going to graze the leg of the person beside them - but they're completely oblivious to this. They're too busy checking out their own reflection in the window opposite. 

Do you really want to do this for another year?

Miss Bournemouth gives a speech during the party conference pageant finale.....

Now in production in China, the London mayoral robots...........

Ken Livingston gets ready for another day at the office.

What if there was no budget left for the opening ceremony of the 2012 Olympics?....

Ken Livingston, Mayor of London, has announced that he has signed an agreement with Venezuela's President, and dictator,Hugo Chavez. The sceme will allow London Bus to buy oil from Venezuela at a 20% reduction, thereby effectively subsidising London Bus to the tune of $32million, or £16million.

Ken, as his friends call him said that this subsidy would be used to help some 250,000 poor people in the form of cheaper bus fares.

In return, and this is the classic bit, Ken will dispatch his transport chief Peter Hendy, to set up and office of the mayor in Caracas,who will empart London's expertise in traffic management.

A G8 capital city receiving economic aid from a South Amercian country, very nice.

So as many of you sit in traffic on the M25,A40 to name two you should reflect on the news that your mayor will have an international office. A first in the history of any mayor I would have thought. Additionally when your council tax goes up just remember that running an international office is'nt cheap and Ken needs the money. All this good news comes in the same week that Londons transport plans for the 2012 Olympics were described as vague and lacked urgency, but rather than sit down with the various agencies involved Ken is in Venezuela picking out curtains for the new office.

I know that we have a fair few idiot politicians in Ireland,but this guy takes the biscuit.

Having just spent five apoplectic hours trying to drive home, predominately gridlocked on the M25, I've had time to consider whether the congestion charge might have helped to reduce or alleviate todays congestion.

It all started this morning at 6:30am when a truck overturned on the anti-clockwise stretch of the M25 at junction 9. This didn't affect me as I was travelling clockwise. However, to my surprise, eleven hours later, in the return  rush hour, two lanes of the M25 are still closed. Traffic is queuing from junction 14 at Heathrow.

Earlier, on my route in to work, going the opposite direction via the M25, A40 and North Circular I am delayed on the A40. The reason for this delay, of about forty minutes, is because a road crew are sweeping the central reservation and there is a lane closed. There is also a large stretch, over a mile, which is still coned off, even though the work is completed.

The traffic alerts I hear all day, having spent close to seven hours behind the wheel, are common to the traffic alerts I hear almost every day. These cite, in no particular order, road works, traffic lights out, collapsed manhole, broken down car, traffic accident and onlookers as the reasons for congestion. These create traffic black spots, and they will occur even if there is a congestion charge.

We're simply not clearing these issues quick enough, reopening lanes to get the traffic moving or deploying traffic police to failed traffic signals. Two lanes closed on the M25 for eleven hours is wrong, and I struggle to understand why the tax payer should be penalised for this through a congestion tax when the overall process of traffic management isn't effective.

With a charge of £1.30 per mile, the daily cost to me, using both the M25 and the North Circular, would be £104, equating to £520 per week or a staggering £24,000 per year on congestion charges. In order to pay the congestion charge I would need to earn at least £30,000 per annum as I also have to pay the PAYE and national insurance. Don't forget, at this stage I haven't even started paying any of my other bills such as mortgage  payments, food, utility bills etc etc.............