I rarely bet on horses, but like countless thousands I feel compelled to do so during the Cheltenham Festival, its tradition. This morning I bought the morning newspapers and picked out 4 horses and put them down on an each way yankee. From what I understand all four need to feature in the top 3 places for me to make any money, or at least cover my €4.40 investment. We're not dealing with muck here lads.

When I went to the bookies I was amazed, it was immaculate, plush carpet, LCD screens adorning the walls, staff with crisply ironed uniforms,coupled with welcoming smiles. Whoever has the cleaning contract please contact Prof Drumm in the HSE, he has a small problem with MRSA, and I feel you can help.

I began to wonder where is the toothless hag that used to run bookies dissappeared too,you know the one that stood 5 feet above you? and what happened to the grump in the corner who said "that feckin donkey would'nt win if the race lasted a week", where are the lads who went to the jacks and ran down the street with a sub from this weeks pay? Its all gone,computers now do everything, bookies are sexy, and I include the aforementioned staff in that statement. Coffee, Lathe, Cappachino, Bookies all now reside together, its a strange world we live in.

Here are my 4 horses that might win (I doubt it) so that when they lose at least I have it off my chest already, should they win it'll be you that will be annoyed.

• Amaretto Rose
• Jack the Giant
• Hardy Eustace
• Commercial Flyer (due to our love of Aer Lingus and Ryanair)

Should they win my next entry will be from the Bahama's via Aer Lingus and Jet Blue,ah feck it I'll just go down to Killarney for a few days instead.